Sunday, February 20, 2011

Yearning- A Poem

I a bird in a cage.
It's a very lovely cage, but a cage nonetheless.
I look out, and see people
Who have what I will someday

I want those things
Here, now
I want what will be
To finally be

There's that whole spiel
About waiting and good things
I've waited a long

I look at those
Who no longer
Have to wait
And I wonder

Are you appreciative of
All you have?
Or do you take for granted
What you've been blessed with?


I am a bird
Trapped here in my cage
Continually watching the world
Through the bars of my prison

The cage is lovely
As is the view
But my space grows smaller
With each and every day

The world I see
Stretched before me
Has so much to offer
I yearn, for just the smallest bit of freedom

My wings beat hopelessly
As I try to leave
Though it is for naught
And I settle to the bottom, defeated

I yearn for that day
When the door to my confines
Swings open and allows me a way out

Still, I will cautiously approach
Afraid of a cruel trick
And a slamming door
Just as I begin to spread my wings

Just as I begin to fly

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Nothing Much

Right now, this entry has no purpose. But watch, and by the end, it will. It just happens that way.
Rehearsals for a play I'm in are starting up soon, so much of my time will be eaten up by that, and hopefully voice lessons. I've got exactly 10 months before I have to submit vocal auditions to the college I want to attend and that's kind of scary. I only get two tries to audition and it would be fantastic if I got in on the first try, like my director before me. But I have no idea what I want to sing or anything. There are some guidelines, though, as to the style.

The other day I was told by a fellow choir-member that another choir-member had called me a kiss-a** because I'm always talking with our director. Always puts it a bit on the heavy side, but I will say that she (meaning our director) and I do talk. She has helped me with problems before and sometimes we talk just to talk, like anyone does.
In my second hour, I spoke to another girl in Vocal Ensemble who was around the girl who called me a kiss-up when it happened. The following 'conversation' ensued.

Me: You know, it hurts me that the girls in VE think it's okay to talk crap about me. I never talk crap about anyone in VE.
Her: Who? They just think you're too involved.
Me: (Girl's name). But even last year, when everyone hated me. I still tried to be nice. And what do you mean?
Her: Because you always have ideas and you're always talking to (our director's name) and you always want to coordinate or do everything for VE.
Me: I can understand how someone can think I'm being a kiss-up (<--- that was a total lie, I don't understand). But I talk to her because she gives good advice. And everything I do is for you guys. That Xmas party? I worked on that party for well over 20 collective hours. And I find it funny, that coming from a girl who said I worked hard to include everyone.
Her: Yeah, that makes sense. It's just, I think people are jealous because they can't do what you do for us. I know I kind of am.
Me: Jealous? What?
Her: Yes, because you always have a cool idea, you always have the means to do something for us, you always have something to give, and you never want anything back.
Me: That's just me. And it's somewhat circumstance. But I'm just that type of person. I put others before me. If I can make you happy, that makes me happy.
Her: Yeah, I understand. To be honest, I used to talk about you and it gets less and less. I really don't anymore because I've accepted you.
Me: Well....thanks. But this isn't something to change about me. It's not like how you said I was stuck up last year. Selflessness isn't something to apologize for. You think maybe if I delegated in my ideas?
Her: Yeah, I think that would help with the jealousy issue, and you have to consider our ideas and add a couple, because when I tried to help you with the "Baby It's Cold Outside" dance, you didn't use any of my ideas.
Me: And I apologize for that. That's something I struggle with. Letting people help me or asking for help.
Her: Yeah, it's noticeable. I can help you with that if you want.
Me: Okay.

The fact that she said she "accepted" me really upset me because I know people who I don't accept their way of life or how they act, but I'm still kind and I don't talk down about them. And I find it ironic that the girl who called me a kiss-up was putting me down as I was in, talking to our director about an idea I had that would positively lift-up and encourage everyone in choir. After my friend told me I ought to delegate more, I talked with our director again that afternoon about how I could involve the girls in VE and she gave me a few ideas that were really good.

I just find it frustrating, though. Last year, everyone hated me because they thought I was weird because I was quiet and according to some, I acted stuck up. It was suggested to me that they thought I was stuck up because I didn't interact much with them. I didn't interact, not because I'm stuck up, but because I was shy and introverted. And awkward would be a good word, too. I didn't know where I fit in. Now, I talk more, I engage and interact, and do things for the girls in VE and they don't like me because of it. Is there no middle ground?!
Again, a very wise person told me that perhaps it is because they are skeptical. "There aren't many people like that in the world today," she said, and talked about how when somebody does something nice for someone else, that person's first reaction tends to be, "What's their ulterior motive?" And how you can say that you're doing it because you care and their reaction will still be, "But why?"
That's really hard to deal with. I forget who, but I heard someone say once that people tend to do nice things only because they're thinking of what they'll get out of it. In no way am I trying to put myself up on a pedestal, but that is not me. I do for others and expect nothing in return. Their happiness is enough. As I told my friend, everything I do for them is purely for them. I have no ulterior motive other than that I care. And some of it just happens to be things I like to do, like bake. On Monday, I'm going to bring a batch of cookies in for everyone just because I feel like baking. You know, I think that sums me up pretty well. I care. Like last year, when everyone thought I was weird because I didn't talk? I listened. I listened to what people said and took it in. My best friend told me it's strange the things I can remember, but that's because I care enough to do so.

Hopefully, when I go on to teach choir myself, my students will be more open and receptive to acts of kindness, not only from me, but from each other.