Friday, December 30, 2011

Make Stuff Happen

I have to admit that lately, I've been struggling with fear. In fact, much of 2011 has been spent in fear. After I returned from vacation, I was cut-off - meaning I had to start paying for things myself. I feared that I wouldn't be able to do so, mostly because I didn't even have a job. Then I did get a job and the excitement was short lived, replaced by the fear that I wouldn't do well and replaced by my not wanting to go to work. Of course, that brought on the fear that I was lazy and I'd spend the rest of my life sitting on the couch, watching TV or something.
In fact, a lot of my fears were justified this year. I feared I would get kicked out of my aunt's house for a inane reason, and I did. I feared I wouldn't make it into the music school of my choice, and I didn't. And although I will apply again, my life is forever changed.
Now, I fear that I'm not taking the appropriate steps to get into college. Once again, I'm being lazy and avoiding filling out scholarships or calling the admissions office for help with switching my major and the like. And that scares me. I tell myself that if I don't do what I need to do, I won't be able to afford college, and yet that is not enough to spur me on.

My resolution for 2012, my mantra, is to make stuff happen. Make what I want to happen, happen. Which, if you think about it, pretty much covers any other resolution I could make. So while the resolution of 'make stuff happen' is rather broad, it keeps me from overloading with other resolutions and then becoming disappointed when I don't reach those resolutions, as happens every year. I'm keeping it simple and I'm striving to loosen my fearfulness of the world and what's in it.
Let's not see where 2012 takes us. Let's see where we take 2012.

Friday, December 2, 2011


I have to admit that lately, I'm really struggling with being happy. I'm not in any sort of deep, depressed state, but it seems as though everything is tinged with sadness. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I do not take failure lightly. I don't like to fail (not that anyone does) and I take it very personally when I do. I will beat myself up for months for a bad grade, or a mistake on a project.
So it doesn't help that this week has been laced with failure and its immanency. I didn't make the deadline for the music school I wanted to apply to, and my heart has now settled into my stomach for the foreseeable future. I tell myself almost daily, 'You should have never joined that show (The Yellow Boat). If you hadn't, you'd have finished on time.'
There are other deadlines I'm struggling to meet, and once again, it feels like everything is falling through the cracks. I'm trying to keep it all together with a smile and hope, but both of those are slowly failing.

I want to be happy. Is that too much to ask?

Tuesday, September 6, 2011


My sister and I have a mutual friend who is married, 30, and gave birth to gorgeous twin girls about a month ago. Two weeks ago, I had the opportunity to hold one of the girls and my heart broke with happiness.
"This makes me want to have a baby of my own!" I said as I cuddled the absolutely tiny and adorable little being. Because I do. My age and lack of a spouse is the only thing stopping me. I've talked about how much I want kids in the past and I'll talk about it until the cows come home, because that's just me.

On Sunday, my sister saw our friend at church and also held one of the girls. Last night, she and I were talking about it, and she told me that all she could think about was how she just couldn't be a mother.
"It's so much sacrifice," Sarah said. "They're so much responsibility. Especially when they're that young. I mean, Micah (another friend's baby), I'm good with holding him because he's older."
"That just shows how different we are," I said. "Because all I could think was how much I want one."
Honestly, though, that's how it's always been. I've been the one drawn to babies and caring for younger kids. Every other Sunday for the past two-and-a-half years, I've volunteered in the two's classroom at my church. Before I moved to Arizona, I'd volunteered for about a year in the nursery at my old church. Even with my cousins, the difference between Sarah and I showed. Whenever we had a family gathering, I was the one playing with our younger cousins, while she usually spent time with the eldest.
Now, my sister is a self-centered person, and I don't mean that in a cutting or condescending way. She has goals, aspirations, and an idea of how she wants to live her life. A life that just doesn't include children. Because that's not who she is.
I believe women have it in them from the time they are young whether or not they're going to be mothers one day. It isn't like a switch flipped in Sarah on her 15th birthday and she decided she wasn't cut out for motherhood. No, we've always had our respective roles, and we always will.
I'm meant to be a mother, and whether it's to biological, foster, or adopted children, I will be happy. Children are a part of my dreams, my life, my being.

Saturday, September 3, 2011


It's been nearly two months since I've posted on here and all I can say is: I've missed it! I have no idea if anyone is actually reading this here blog, but it's a means of expressing myself, so I'm keeping on going.

School started up again: my senior year. I honestly have to say, though, that I don't feel like it's my last year. I feel like I've been going to high school forever, and that I will be going forever. And in a way, I will be, what with becoming a high school teacher. But it won't be my high school.
Even though it feels like I'm never going to leave, in the back of my mind, that fact is always there. I'm leaving. Unlike in the past, where I've hated leaving with every fiber of my being, I now cherish every moment I have. The years past, I've hated waking up on Mondays and having a whole week of school ahead of me, hated waking up at 6:30 in the morning. Now, I'm up at 6 on the dot every day (and believe me when I say that is extraordinary for me) and Mondays are my favorite day, while Fridays are my least.
Ever since I was a child, I've always loved school. But I loved the 'seeing my friends and lunch and recess' parts of it. And as I got older, the 'having choir every single day' part. This year, I love the 'sitting in class and learning and being in this environment'. I've never been so happy to be in school.

Outside of the whole school situation, it's like my life was a puzzle all nice and put together, and then someone took it, threw all the pieces up in the air, and they're all over the place now. Some are still up in the air, some have landed facedown, others are just gone. I moved back with my mom, whom I haven't lived with for two and a half years. It's a tiny, two-bedroom apartment with my 19-year-old sister and I in one room. Sticking two adults (legally speaking, and literally, one and an almost) in one small bedroom? Not a good idea.
My future is up in the air now, too, and I have honestly no idea what's going to happen. I'm trying to put my faith in God, but it's difficult. I don't like not knowing what's going to happen or what I'm going to do - ever. Thus, you can often find me planning in June my birthday party in January.
But whatever happens, I know it's the exact path I'm meant to go down. My number one wish in life is not extravagant. I simply want my children to have a better life than I did. A secure, happy life. As long as I reach that goal, I will be happy for the rest of my life.

When I started this blog, it was a means of documenting the twists and turns of my life, good and bad. Right now, I'm going through the bad. But I know undoubtedly that the good will come again, for it always does.

As I like to say, with love and the everlasting hope of a better tomorrow,

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Knock and He'll Answer!

Except, I haven't been knocking. I have been pounding, banging, and kicking. Pleading. All for a job. As I said in my last post, I need a job so I can save up money to live on campus.

On Thursday, my sister came over to print off a job application and a few hours later, she called me to let me know that she had an interview the next day. To say I was upset would be an understatement.
Why? Oh, maybe because she already HAS a job. I spoke aloud my displeasement and she replied that she was only working two days this week. That's more than I'm working, I replied.

My mom was hounding me because she said that I have to go out if I want a job. Pretty much all job applications are online nowadays, and I'd already applied to plenty of jobs. No to mention, I was filling out an application for a janitorial position at my church and at a local hardware store with the hours of 4-9am. I was that desperate for a job.
Sufficiently pissed that my mom was giving me such a hard time, I finally agreed to go around town with my sister the next day (Friday) to look for jobs.
To make a long story short....I GOT A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I really, truly got a JOB!! Thank you, God!
Immediately afterwards, I went out and got work shoes and socks.

But in all reality, I'm so afraid this isn't going to last. That they're going to change their minds and not hire me. I desperately need to keep this job. I don't care how pathetic I sound by saying that. Just please, God. Let this last.

On another note, I went to the orthopedist on Wednesday. He confirmed that my left leg is nearly one inch shorter than the other (just 0.545cm away). I now have a whole process I have to go through to try and alleviate the pain it causes on my knees, hips, and back. This process includes wearing shoe lifts. That makes me kind of sad.
Though, the doctor did mention something about muscle retraining, so hopefully there is some other way to correct it. Having Limb Length Discrepancy can also cause TMJ (which I do have), and I'm hoping that it will get better through the work I'm doing.

Enough prattling on. Again, thank you God!

Love, Ellie

Monday, June 27, 2011

Summer Boredom Blues

I am determined to do something this summer. Unfortunately for me, living in Arizona means whatever something I do, has to be done in an air-conditioned place.
So far, I've been passing the 16 hours I'm awake on the computer. I'm tired of just sitting around all day. I want to start working out, but that has to wait until I can find a nearby (affordable) gym.
I always start counting down the days until summer about 40 days out, always anxiously awaiting the last day. Then, during summer, I ask myself why. Why would I rather be sitting at home, doing nothing, than be at school with classes to fill my day?
My plan during the summer has always been to revamp my look and how I take care of myself, and that goal remains the same this summer. Hopefully I'll be getting a job soon: my number one goal of the summer is to get a whole new wardrobe for under 300 dollars.
That's my biggest concern: getting a job. I need to save up enough money to live on-campus. It would be so much nicer than having to commute every day.

Let's see if I can actually make this summer worth something.

Saturday, June 18, 2011


If I ever wasn't anything, comfortable was it.
And I don't mean materialistically, either. Though, that did fit for a time.

What I mean is that from the time I was a child, it was instilled in me that the world is a dangerous place. I have my mother to thank for this, though she did it unintentionally. I know every mother wants to protect their child(ren), but my mother took it to the extreme.
My sister and I began staying at home by ourselves when we were just eight and nine years old. Don't gasp and recoil in horror. We didn't burn the place down or have a seance. We did almost kill each other nearly every day, but that's a different story.
What we didn't do was play with friends. Because my mother forbade us to leave the apartment. My sister and I weren't even allowed to cross the street to get the mail, or open the door to let our friends know why we couldn't come out.

When we were older (11-13 & 12-14), my mom, sister, and I lived in a little house with a huge backyard. There was nothing in this backyard, and the only way to get to it was to go out the front door, around to the side of the house, and through a gate.
Did I ever make that trip? Not hardly. Once again, my sister and I were forbidden to leave the house. Every single day for five summers was spent inside.
Later, when my mom granted my sister and I even more freedom, the fear had been installed in us that someone was going to kidnap us as we walked down the street. If I was walking to my friend's house, I had to text or call my mom as soon as I got there.
I was afraid of any approaching person or car. And when my friend and I would walk around at night, I nearly had a heart attack out of fear.
This also affected me at home. Being alone late at night would equal all lights being on, every door locked, and every door to a dark room tightly closed. And walking around in the dark? Forget about it.
I was terrified of my home, my surroundings. Terrified. Nobody should be that afraid of what's around them.

Then, suddenly, I wasn't anymore. Without even realizing it, I could walk home without being afraid that someone was going to snatch me up, or shoot me. Tonight, I walked through my house in the dark, cleaning up quietly to not disturb those sleeping. I'm still working on the whole 'being alone thing', but it's getting there.
My point is, though, that I am finally comfortable with where I am and being there alone. Because someone may be only a scream away, but until that scream comes, I'm alone. Yes, I may be walking down one of the busiest streets in town, but nobody knows who I am. Walking somewhere, being home, or up late at night, I'm alone.

Something I'm finally comfortable with.

P.S. I decided I won't be posting about my vacation on here. It's just too much to ever condense into words.

Friday, June 10, 2011


It's officially been summer for three weeks now, which is crazy. Leaving for vacation (posts on that later...maybe) the morning after school ended threw me for a loop. The almost two weeks I was gone didn't really seem like they took place in summer.
Unfortunately, the summer hasn't started (meaning once I got back from vacation) how I was planning. I applied to well over 15 locations for a job and I haven't gotten one single, "Hi, we'd like to interview you on...' email. Not one, which is very frustrating. I need a job so I can afford to live on campus next year.
Not to mention, I'm stressing because my counselor completely screwed up my schedule for next year. I had it all worked out with another counselor, who is incredibly nice and unfortunately not mine. Then, my counselor came in and messed it all up. She absolutely will not put me in a freshman level class because "it'll look funny". I don't care if it looks funny, a senior taking a freshman class. I know several people who have done it, including my friend who will be in there with me next year.
Anyway, I just really took a moment to think about it, and I complain a lot on here. I should try and write more positive entries.

Love, Ellie.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Squealing Pigs

Frustrated would be the number one way to describe how I felt today. It was one of those days when people made me feel like everything I said was utterly stupid, and I may have lost one of my favorite books. But that last part isn't important.

The main cause of my frustration - or should I say, main place - was choir. The week and a half or so before a concert is always stressful and a lot of people are on edge. I was really irritated, as I stated before, because the way people (well, mostly one person) were making me feel. To the point where choir was actually pretty unenjoyable today.

But then, I got over it. Even though I was really hurt, I still love those people with all my heart. And I love choir. I'm inifinitely grateful to be back, and I try to reflect that in all I say and do. It's really quite amazing, though. I am one to hold a grudge, unfortunately, and if someone hurts me, it takes me a while to get over it. Not with these people. Not with this person. I am a completely different person with them and I love it. We've all been changed by our experience in choir, and definitely for the better.

Music makes me happy. Inspires me to be a better person and do great things. Lead a great life. So do these people. I love them all too much to ever stay mad or frustrated at them.

Love, Ellie

P.S. The title is a song by Admiral Fallow. Go listen to it.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Fam Bam

I have always been a fan of the expression 'fam bam'. It rhymes and has to do with family. And it sounds more interesting than saying family. But I was curious as to what fam bam really meant, so I did what any logical person would do, and popped on over to And I was told...
Fam Bam: Family Always Means Backing All Members.

Pretty nice definition, acronym, whatever you want to call it. That, however, got me thinking. Does fam bam have to mean family that is related to you?
I don't think so.

I think, just like family has been expanded to include people you love and can't live without, fam bam can be, too. My choir is my fam bam. None of us are related, yet we support each other with such ferocity. We protect each other and stand up for each other and we see each other more than we see most of our friends during the day. And, we have a home, too. A place to belong.

My family is my fam bam, too. We love each other, despite our grievances and short-comings and I look forward to every moment I get to spend with my family. There is nothing like being around people who have known you since you were three days old, people who share the same DNA, accents, and other similarities. There is something to be said for blood family, a connection that does not have to be made, but simply is.

Fam bam. Family Always Means Backing Any Member.

I love my fam bam.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Going Down a New Road

The past two days have been days of changing directions. Pain has come that I wish I could avoid, but I have to deal with my decisions. It's going to be difficult, but I'm determined to stay on this path I have created. The poem by Robert Frost comes to mind. I'd come to a fork in the road, and I chose the harder path, the road less taken. I can see the other path running nearly parallel to my new one, and there are some amazing moments on that path, the path of my past. Those are the moments I'm going to have to let go of, to not forget, but accept that those moments will not come again.

This new road is a road of moments I will never regret having. I have several people traveling this road with me: my two best friends in particular. This road is taking me towards maturing and experiencing the next chapter of life. That next chapter of life begins tonight, as I start my journey towards college through voice lessons. I am happy to be travelling down this new road and excited to see what comes.

I know that I'll have moments where I wish I could be back on my old path, when certain dates pass, or a memory is sparked. But that is not my path anymore. Perhaps one day, in the future, I will see these two paths meet in some ways. Positive ways only, though. The negativity of my old path will no longer affect me. I am a new person.

I am going down a new road.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

New Layout

It dawned on me the other day that my blog was in need of a facelift. Well, in need of a color-lift is more like it. My previous backround was too dark and dreary, and with spring now here, I felt that when I (or anyone else) meander on over to my page, a nice, bright page ought to be the greeting. I hope you like it!

Love, Ellie

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

40 Days and Counting

It puzzles me that here I am, once again counting down the days until summer vacation. Time passes so quickly without even realizing it. But that's not what puzzles me. It's the fact that even though I'm looking forward to summer vacation and being a senior, I'm not looking forward to leave choir for three months or, with every event next year, thinking to myself, "This is the last time I'll do this." So why do I continue to count down the days until that comes? It's conflicting. I love family, I love summer, and freedom. But I love choir, too. It's my home away from home. We joke in my class that VE kids spend more time in the choir room than we do at home. It's nice, though, to be surrounded by like-minded people. I can't say that, when the time comes, I'll miss it, because I'll never be without it. Even when I go off to college, I'll be with people who are musically inclined like me, then I'll be a choir teacher and continue to be with those who think like I do. It's comforting, but I still do not look forward to the end of the school year. 39 days tomorrow.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

I Want

A friend's photo inspired me to do this blog, so here I go. Hopefully in a few years, I'll be able to look back and see what I actually got.

What I want....

I want to spend less time doing pointless things and more time studying, reading, or spending time with friends.
I want to be more organized when it comes to school.
I want to make the most of the last year I have at school.
I want to graduate with a full ride to the college of my dreams.
I want to go to college, unafraid of what lies ahead.
I want to fulfill my hunger to know everything when it comes to music.
I want to walk away from college, diploma in hand and be sure of myself in what I'm doing.
I want to teach high school choir.
I want to be even just half the teacher my director is and I'll consider myself a success.

I want to find someone who takes an interest in me.
I want a man who is strong in his faith and will encourage me to be strong in mine.
I want a man who understands that I am perfectly comfortable lounging on the couch playing video games, but also comfortable dressed to the nines for the world premiere of a musical.
I want a man who will never make me question where I stand with him.
I want a man who believes that he is the head of the household, as I do, but also realizes that I am equally important.
I want a man who will stick around to be my children's father.
I want a man who isn't afraid to cry or show emotion.
I want a man who will understand me when words fail.
I want a man who knows that when I'm angry at him, I just want him to hug me and tell me he loves me.
I want a man who will never judge me and will always be by my side.

I want to grow in my relationship with God.
I want to read my Bible every day, and hopefully the whole way through in one year.
I want to see God in everything I do.
I want people to look at me and know undeniably that I am a follower of Christ.
I want a church that supports what I believe and where I feel like I belong.
I want to raise my children so that they can never deny that God exists.

I want to start eating healthy, working out, and treating my body the way it should be treated.
I want to be more confident in who I am and not care what others think.
I want to not be afraid to defend myself.
I want to be more eloquent.
I want a lifetime of music.
I want a lifetime of love.
I want to be everything God created me to be and have everything he created for me to have.
I want to live an amazing life.

I want, at the end of my life to say, "This is my life. I have found it worth living."

Saturday, March 19, 2011


I don't know what I'm going to write about. I just feel like writing. I got my permit today. I'm so relieved I don't have to worry about it anymore. No more studying or wondering when I can go take the test again. I'm not going to pretend anymore. I'm going to be myself 100% and not worry about what anyone says. Why do some people get married fresh out of college and it lasts, while others are in their late 20's to early 30's and still unlucky in love? I don't know. I've got a lot of thoughts rolling through my head. I want some answers. I have questions I've kept in my head my whole life, and it's about time they came out. I look in the mirror and I don't even know all of who I am. I apparently look more like my father's side of the family, but how am I to know when I've never even met my father? I want to know if I've got his jaw, or his mom's nose, or if I'm the spitting image of a sister or cousin. I want to know where I came from. I'm just so tired of being half a person with half a family. I know that my father wasn't a good person, but he's still my father and part of who I am. There's an entire part of myself I may never know and I can't deal with that. I need to know. I need closure. I want to look in the mirror and see me. It's too hard, going through life like this. I can't even explain what I'm feeling right now, and writing is my strong suit. I just need to know.

Friday, March 11, 2011


I just finished watching P.S. I Love You, sans tissues, and I found it to be quite an enjoyable movie. However, I didn't like the turn Holly Kennedy's life took when Jerry first died and when she began making shoes. She lost control of herself, and that is in no way appealing.
Lack of control was not what I didn't like most about the movie. What I disliked was the fact that with both Jerry and William Gallagher, Holly rushed headlong into being romantic with them. When she and Jerry kissed for the first time, she didn't even know his name! Then with William, Holly's not even a quarter drunk and she plants one on him. It seemed like Holly was a little desperate.
So I ask. Why do movies have to portray love like this? Two strangers meet on a train or at a bar (or in this case, on the road to Dun Laoghaire) and that night, they're sleeping together. This type of relationship is nearly always seen as working out perfectly, but in honest to goodness life, it doesn't. Relationships are built through getting to know someone, not rolling in the hay the first time you meet. In order for relationships to last, there has to be a good foundation.
Furthermore, when a guy and a girl meet, lust is too often mistaken for love. They sleep together, so that irreversible bond is there and the two just can't break up. The girl thinks she loves the guy because she's got his favorite cereal at her place and the guy thinks he loves the girl because she's got a drawer at his. That's not love.
Love is being friends first, and being willing to abstain from going any further because you want to get to know the person before you start dating them, not while you are. Love is taking it slow because love needs time to grow and develop as you spend more time with someone. Love is wanting to always be there for the person. Love is knowing everything about someone, not because you love them, but because you love them enough to care.

I know I won't see this kind of love in the movies any time soon because frankly, the greater population likes Holly's kind of love better. They're okay with kissing strangers and sleeping around, and casual (serial) dating. That makes me feel kind of sad, because I know that isn't true love.

My favorite part of P.S. I Love You? Watching the whole thing and only during the credits realizing Daniel was played by Harry Connick Jr.

Monday, March 7, 2011


I wish I could be one of those girls who are always wearing the most stylish things and always look so amazingly put-together. The ones who are so into fashion and beauty and all that glamorous stuff.

But I can't. As much as I would like to.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Yearning- A Poem

I a bird in a cage.
It's a very lovely cage, but a cage nonetheless.
I look out, and see people
Who have what I will someday

I want those things
Here, now
I want what will be
To finally be

There's that whole spiel
About waiting and good things
I've waited a long

I look at those
Who no longer
Have to wait
And I wonder

Are you appreciative of
All you have?
Or do you take for granted
What you've been blessed with?


I am a bird
Trapped here in my cage
Continually watching the world
Through the bars of my prison

The cage is lovely
As is the view
But my space grows smaller
With each and every day

The world I see
Stretched before me
Has so much to offer
I yearn, for just the smallest bit of freedom

My wings beat hopelessly
As I try to leave
Though it is for naught
And I settle to the bottom, defeated

I yearn for that day
When the door to my confines
Swings open and allows me a way out

Still, I will cautiously approach
Afraid of a cruel trick
And a slamming door
Just as I begin to spread my wings

Just as I begin to fly

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Nothing Much

Right now, this entry has no purpose. But watch, and by the end, it will. It just happens that way.
Rehearsals for a play I'm in are starting up soon, so much of my time will be eaten up by that, and hopefully voice lessons. I've got exactly 10 months before I have to submit vocal auditions to the college I want to attend and that's kind of scary. I only get two tries to audition and it would be fantastic if I got in on the first try, like my director before me. But I have no idea what I want to sing or anything. There are some guidelines, though, as to the style.

The other day I was told by a fellow choir-member that another choir-member had called me a kiss-a** because I'm always talking with our director. Always puts it a bit on the heavy side, but I will say that she (meaning our director) and I do talk. She has helped me with problems before and sometimes we talk just to talk, like anyone does.
In my second hour, I spoke to another girl in Vocal Ensemble who was around the girl who called me a kiss-up when it happened. The following 'conversation' ensued.

Me: You know, it hurts me that the girls in VE think it's okay to talk crap about me. I never talk crap about anyone in VE.
Her: Who? They just think you're too involved.
Me: (Girl's name). But even last year, when everyone hated me. I still tried to be nice. And what do you mean?
Her: Because you always have ideas and you're always talking to (our director's name) and you always want to coordinate or do everything for VE.
Me: I can understand how someone can think I'm being a kiss-up (<--- that was a total lie, I don't understand). But I talk to her because she gives good advice. And everything I do is for you guys. That Xmas party? I worked on that party for well over 20 collective hours. And I find it funny, that coming from a girl who said I worked hard to include everyone.
Her: Yeah, that makes sense. It's just, I think people are jealous because they can't do what you do for us. I know I kind of am.
Me: Jealous? What?
Her: Yes, because you always have a cool idea, you always have the means to do something for us, you always have something to give, and you never want anything back.
Me: That's just me. And it's somewhat circumstance. But I'm just that type of person. I put others before me. If I can make you happy, that makes me happy.
Her: Yeah, I understand. To be honest, I used to talk about you and it gets less and less. I really don't anymore because I've accepted you.
Me: Well....thanks. But this isn't something to change about me. It's not like how you said I was stuck up last year. Selflessness isn't something to apologize for. You think maybe if I delegated in my ideas?
Her: Yeah, I think that would help with the jealousy issue, and you have to consider our ideas and add a couple, because when I tried to help you with the "Baby It's Cold Outside" dance, you didn't use any of my ideas.
Me: And I apologize for that. That's something I struggle with. Letting people help me or asking for help.
Her: Yeah, it's noticeable. I can help you with that if you want.
Me: Okay.

The fact that she said she "accepted" me really upset me because I know people who I don't accept their way of life or how they act, but I'm still kind and I don't talk down about them. And I find it ironic that the girl who called me a kiss-up was putting me down as I was in, talking to our director about an idea I had that would positively lift-up and encourage everyone in choir. After my friend told me I ought to delegate more, I talked with our director again that afternoon about how I could involve the girls in VE and she gave me a few ideas that were really good.

I just find it frustrating, though. Last year, everyone hated me because they thought I was weird because I was quiet and according to some, I acted stuck up. It was suggested to me that they thought I was stuck up because I didn't interact much with them. I didn't interact, not because I'm stuck up, but because I was shy and introverted. And awkward would be a good word, too. I didn't know where I fit in. Now, I talk more, I engage and interact, and do things for the girls in VE and they don't like me because of it. Is there no middle ground?!
Again, a very wise person told me that perhaps it is because they are skeptical. "There aren't many people like that in the world today," she said, and talked about how when somebody does something nice for someone else, that person's first reaction tends to be, "What's their ulterior motive?" And how you can say that you're doing it because you care and their reaction will still be, "But why?"
That's really hard to deal with. I forget who, but I heard someone say once that people tend to do nice things only because they're thinking of what they'll get out of it. In no way am I trying to put myself up on a pedestal, but that is not me. I do for others and expect nothing in return. Their happiness is enough. As I told my friend, everything I do for them is purely for them. I have no ulterior motive other than that I care. And some of it just happens to be things I like to do, like bake. On Monday, I'm going to bring a batch of cookies in for everyone just because I feel like baking. You know, I think that sums me up pretty well. I care. Like last year, when everyone thought I was weird because I didn't talk? I listened. I listened to what people said and took it in. My best friend told me it's strange the things I can remember, but that's because I care enough to do so.

Hopefully, when I go on to teach choir myself, my students will be more open and receptive to acts of kindness, not only from me, but from each other.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Newer Thoughts

1. I am now seventeen. It doesn't feel an inch different from sixteen.

2. Sometimes my laziness affects what's most important to me.

3. Music is pretty awesome (this isn't a new thought)

4. People do unexpected things.

5. There are some things in life I will never understand.

6. Prayer can bring about very good things.

7. This is just a moment.

8. Sometimes I think too much about the future.

9. I tell myself to act a certain way, then forget to.

10. It's not about priority. It's about importance.

11. Sometimes having three loves can be hard. Especially when you can only have two.

12. I get on my own nerves sometimes.

13. I don't want to be anything or anyone else.

14. I want to be a part of something big.

15. I wish I was closer to some people.

16. I am curious to see how this next year is.

17. There are changes to be made.

18. Going forward is possible if you're looking backwards.

19. I will never again take for granted what I have.

20. Words are powerful.

21. You can, without realizing it, hurt people you love.

22. I need to focus more.

23. Sometimes silence speaks loudest.

24. Walls are useless.

25. There will always be stupid people.

26. I don't care if someone hates me.

27. You can go without.

28. Spontaneity is much funner than planning.

29. But planning leads to unexpected things.

30. I didn't plan for this to be so long.

31. Ice cream can lead to tears. But it can stop them, too.

32. Essence isn't necessarily New Age-y.

33. You can't truly appreciate something unless you've lost it, then gained it back.

34. It is possible to look forward to one thing every single day.

35. You don't mature as you grow up. You grow up as you mature.

36. It's all about timing. And patience.

37. Sometimes, you have to make sacrifices.

38. God puts people in each other's lives right when they need each other most.

39. Family doesn't mean you're related.

40. Once around the piano, we are a family.


P.S. I got a laptop for Christmas. It's pretty fantastic.