tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19090110478375748312024-03-12T22:30:50.943-07:00The Musician's SoulEllie Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13548926418611623070noreply@blogger.comBlogger33125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1909011047837574831.post-72102885718613168962012-06-12T13:20:00.000-07:002012-06-12T13:20:04.679-07:0010 Things My Choir Director Taught Me<div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: center;">
<u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Ten Things My
Choir Director Taught Me<o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
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</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
need to be more easygoing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Ms. E knew that, by nature, I am a
serious person. I had (and still do sometimes) very definite ideas of when
people should have fun and when they should be serious, especially during class.
That serious nature was partly what caused me to be so quiet in the early years
of choir and isolated me from the other kids in class. Inside, I’ve never
wanted to be so serious – I felt like it was holding me back from who I ought
to be, which is a fun-loving, happy person. But my desire for control and
things being <i>just so</i> overtook that
person I wanted to be, and kept me trapped inside this serious shell. Being
around Ms. E every day for four years helped me break out of that shell. She
has shown me the amazing balancing act between focus and fun, and that it’s
more than possible to have both at the same time. Being in her class has taught
me it’s okay to get off on tangents and that people don’t like someone who is
serious all the time. I study people a lot, especially when it comes to
reactions, and will often formulate my reaction around theirs. She has, time
and time again, demonstrated the appropriate way to respond to situations,
whether it be with frustration or happiness, anger or laughter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
can trust someone.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Growing up, I’ve never liked talking
about my feelings. I didn’t even like experiencing them. I’d smother my
emotions and refuse to share them with anybody until I exploded, usually in a
fit of rage. The number one reason for this was because I hated feeling
vulnerable and telling somebody how I felt meant putting myself in a vulnerable
position. I was always terribly afraid that whatever I said would change
forever how that person looked at me, how they saw me, and that they would judge
me harshly. I never trusted anyone enough to let my walls down and be honest,
whether it was with my feelings, my opinions, or whatever else it was I kept
hidden inside me. I also worried that whatever I revealed about myself would
one day be turned and used against me by people who called themselves my
friends, but weren’t truly. But I just knew that Ms. E was someone I trust, be
real with. Sure, there were times I completely laid my emotions out and I was
scared to do so, but I did it because I knew she would never betray my trust. I
finally had found someone I knew would never turn on me or use what I said
against me, and I knew Ms. E would always be there. Because of this, I started
to trust other people. I started letting my walls come down and sharing my
ideas, opinions, and feelings. By doing so, I learned that it wasn’t just some<i>one</i> I could trust, it was so many more.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
can keep going.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">High school was very much a
rollercoaster of ups and downs, good times and bad. Sometimes extremely bad
times. Starting with the second half of sophomore year until right before my
senior year, I struggled immensely with thoughts of suicide. Much of it had to
do with life outside of school – certain members of my family constantly
emotionally abused me, I was constantly being torn down, and I just could not
deal with it. I was also heavily depressed during that time and the thought of
not having to endure my life any longer seemed like a relief. But every time I
thought about doing it or how I could do it, or even if I wasn’t thinking about
suicide and my day had just been plain old rough, I always thought, “Tomorrow,”
or “Monday.” All I had to do was wait a couple of hours or a couple of days and
I’d be back in the choir room, where people built me up and I was happy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">4.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
am never alone.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Being a part of choir helped me learn
that I will always have someone by my side. Even during my darkest days. When I
was a sophomore, I didn’t have many friends and the girls in Vocal Ensemble
made it very clear how much they disliked me. This was part of the reason why
sophomore year was the worst year of my life. But even when the girls in VE
didn’t like me, I knew that Ms. E was not like them. She was for me when
everyone was against me, and constantly encouraged me. When I was told that I
was weird for being so quiet, she told me that she liked how quiet I was. The
girls who disliked me constantly brought up reasons as to why they treated me
the way they did, and Ms. E was always quick to refute those reasons, quick to
turn them from negatives to positives. Ms. E never let me stand by myself
(figuratively speaking) and slowly, the girls (and eventually guys) in VE never
let me stand by myself either.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
don’t have to be sad.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">It would take more than ten sets of
hands to count the bad days that I’ve had in high school. I can think of
several times I was reduced to tears at school, or almost wanted to cry. Days
where I was just plain old sick and tired of life. On these kinds of days, Ms.
E always tried to help in whatever way she could, many times listening to me
vent and giving advice. Other times, I either didn’t want to talk, or didn’t
have to- my emotions were just that evident. It was during these times that Ms.
E simply tried to make us smile. I remember once, I and a couple other choir
students were gathered in her office to receive our regionals scores and after
seeing my very low score, I was upset almost to the point of tears. I was
standing there, silent, angry, as another kid was over-animatedly telling a
story of something that happened at regionals. Ms. E cut him off with a, “I
know! I was <i>there</i>.” She glanced at me
and in that second, we both burst out laughing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“There’s
a smile,” I remember her saying triumphantly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">More
than once, when I was upset, Ms. E would just say something that was such a
no-brainer that I just had to laugh. Sometimes, when the laughter passed and I
was happy, I would chide myself, thinking, ‘No, you’re supposed to be sad.
You’re supposed to be upset. So-and-so just hurt you.’ Then, I realized how
foolish I was being. Why was I dwelling on my sadness, my hurt feelings, when a
simple laugh could do away with all that? I was wrecking my own day by
continuing to let the badness have its hold over me. Ms. E taught me that all
it takes is a simple sentence or action to let the happiness in. She taught me that
I <i>can </i>let the happiness in and that
everything will be okay, even if just for a moment.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
don’t have to only rely on myself.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">As a type-A personality, I tend to be
very rigid and inflexible when it comes to ideas and planning. I want to do
everything myself because I know it will turn out <i>exactly</i> as it is in my head (and to me, the ideas in my head were
always the best). I also learned early in life that if I wanted anything, I
could only ever rely on myself to get it. I wanted to be in soccer freshman
year and when my mom would not take me, I woke up at 5:30 every morning to walk
the almost two miles to school <i>in the
dark</i>, then walked back after four long hours of conditioning. I thought
that nobody could be trusted because they would fail me in the end. However,
being in choir changed that. I was suddenly surrounded by people who had
fantastic ideas and wanted to help in any way they could. It took me a while to
let these people and their ideas in, which unfortunately cost me, but when I
did, I found myself suddenly without the burden of having to do all the
planning myself. Ms. E taught me that I didn’t only have to rely on myself when
it came to getting what I wanted. She quickly became my mentor and has been an
invaluable help when it came to my getting into college. Ms. E helped me plan,
plot, and dream. She responded to questions with surefire answers, or promised
to find the answer if she couldn’t give it to me herself. Ms. E taught me that
I no longer had to rely on myself to figure out how I was going to reach my
goals because she was there with me every step of the way.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
can do anything I want.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">‘Please remember that you can do
anything you want.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">‘I know you will become everything you
aspire to be.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">My mother never spoke those words to me.
Nobody ever spoke those words to me. The words they spoke to me were that I’d
never be good enough, I’d never achieve me goals of becoming a choir teacher or
a better piano player. And even if I was good? “It doesn’t mean you’re good
enough. It just means you’re better than a bunch of kids at Glendale.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Until now. Until those two sentence were
written- one on a Star Card and the other in my yearbook. Until I was told that
I was good enough, that I <i>could</i> reach
my goals, that I could do whatever I set my mind to.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">8.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
can’t stay mad at someone who’s given me so much.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">When you’re around the same people every
day, they’re bound to make you mad, no matter how much you love them. Such is
the case with choir. There were days where Ms. E did make me mad. Looking back,
I can’t even remember <i>why</i>, just that
those days happened. I tend to hold grudges and have even once gone a week
without speaking to a friend who made me angry. But not with Ms. E. Every time
I was upset or mad, I told myself, “Get over yourself. You know how much she’s
done for you. She’s listened to you gripe about your life and given you real,
solid solutions. She’s supported you in pretty much everything you can think of
and has been proud of you when you accomplished things. She is there for you.”
And instantly, my anger was gone, replaced by gratitude. It’s taught me that,
when I’m angry at someone, I don’t need to think of why they made me angry, I
need to think of why they make me happy, the thing things I love about them. Dissipate
anger with love, with gratitude. Anger is a natural feeling, but it’s not a
good one, and Ms. E taught me that all it takes is a simple change in thinking.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
haven’t learned everything I needed to learn.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I always planned on student teaching for
Ms. E, ever since I decided I wanted to be a choir teacher. I thought to
myself, “What better place than one I know and love to help me prepare for my
own classroom?” I assuaged my fears that I would not be a good teacher or that
I would not know everything I needed to know by reminding myself that I would
get to spend a year with someone who was and did. I could observe from a
different perspective and soak up more than I was able to as a student. I
imagined the bond I would form with the students, entertaining them with
stories of when I was a student there, and perhaps taking the occasional
opportunity to lead them in warm-ups and rehearsals. The difference I would
feel, being back at my high school, but not as a student there.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">My student teaching for Ms. E came up
from time to time in conversations over the next few years and she always
seemed like she agreed with me coming back to student teach. But one day, when
it came up, she said something she never had before.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“You don’t want to student teach for me.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Yeah, I do,” I replied.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Nooo. Go get outside experience. You’ve
already learned everything you can from me.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">That was the end of our conversation,
partially because I shut down. I was upset, feeling rejected. Then, I thought back
to two nights before when I’d been thinking about student teaching and a
thought had suddenly popped into my head, “Maybe I should student teach
somewhere else. Get outside experience.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I don’t believe these two conversations,
one with myself and one with Ms. E, were coincidences. Not at all. But I also
don’t believe I’ve learned everything I can. Not necessarily having to do with
music theory and such, because I know college will teach me that. Having to do
with teaching effectively. Reaching my students so they understand what it is
that I am trying to teach them- not just how to sing, read music, etc, but to
be good people with passion and drive and heart. Letting them know that they
can trust me and we can joke around and have fun sometimes. Showing them that
the choir room is a place where they can get away from it all. There’s so much
I wanted to learn during my year with the Cardinal Choirs again, more than I
can accurately put into words.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">But now, I’m (semi) okay with the fact
of student teaching elsewhere. I think that it <i>will</i> give me perspective and new ideas. However, I do not think it
will teach me what I want to learn. I don’t think student teaching anywhere
will. I think it’s up to me to figure out exactly how to reach my students. I
am not Ms. E, nor are her students like mine will be. I can emulate what I have
seen her do in the classroom, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it will work in
mine. I <i>do</i> hope that some of it does,
because I’d like to believe that some methods are universal. Teaching,
establishing my classroom, making it a haven and a home for my students is
something I need to do in my own way, and in a way that is best for my future
students. Someone once said, “There is one thing that truly defines love.
Giving love to someone THEY want to receive it, not the way YOU want to give
it.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I think that is applicable to all
aspects of teaching, learning, creating, laughing, and everything that goes into
making my class and classroom a successful one. I have to know my students in
order to reach them effectively. I know it’s going to involve trials and
errors, successes and failures, but I’ll always keep evolving, improvising, and
learning. For I don’t believe anyone ever stops learning or growing. I don’t
believe they ever should. It is that constant changing, constant renewing and
shifting of the mind that makes each phase of life as equally challenging,
exciting, and invigorating as the one before it. Have I learned everything I
need to learn? No. But I cannot learn through observation. I have to be taught
through experience. And that, I believe is going to be one hell of an amazing
experience.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">God
puts two people in each other’s lives right when they need each other most.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I needed to learn all of this. I needed
to be surrounded by the people I was to become the person I am. I may not ever
know what I taught those around me, but I hope that I left an impact on their
life like they made a lesson out of mine. Thank you, Ms. E for teaching me the
things you have. Thank you for laying the foundation to my path.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I can take it from here.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">I began this blog on
June 5th, 2010. More than two years ago. While it hasn't received many views,
it served as a sounding board for my thoughts. Its name came from a book by
James Jordan, a book I thought would teach me something, but ultimately turned out
to be a book that taught me <b>nothing</b>. Now, I am ending this blog.
Come August, you can find me over at A Time and Place for Everything
(http://timeandplaceforeverything.blogspot.com/). The title comes from a book
in the works that has taught me <b>everything</b>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">See you there.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Love,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Elizabeth Del Debbio<o:p></o:p></span></div>Ellie Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13548926418611623070noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1909011047837574831.post-37632301519251030212011-12-30T11:10:00.000-08:002011-12-30T11:28:57.751-08:00Make Stuff HappenI have to admit that lately, I've been struggling with fear. In fact, much of 2011 has been spent in fear. After I returned from vacation, I was cut-off - meaning I had to start paying for things myself. I feared that I wouldn't be able to do so, mostly because I didn't even have a job. Then I <i>did</i> get a job and the excitement was short lived, replaced by the fear that I wouldn't do well and replaced by my not wanting to go to work. Of course, that brought on the fear that I was lazy and I'd spend the rest of my life sitting on the couch, watching TV or something.<div>In fact, a lot of my fears were justified this year. I feared I would get kicked out of my aunt's house for a inane reason, and I did. I feared I wouldn't make it into the music school of my choice, and I didn't. And although I <i>will</i> apply again, my life is forever changed.</div><div>Now, I fear that I'm not taking the appropriate steps to get into college. Once again, I'm being lazy and avoiding filling out scholarships or calling the admissions office for help with switching my major and the like. And that scares me. I tell myself that if I don't do what I need to do, I won't be able to afford college, and yet that is not enough to spur me on.</div><div><br /></div><div>My resolution for 2012, my mantra, is to make stuff happen. Make what I want to happen, happen. Which, if you think about it, pretty much covers any other resolution I could make. So while the resolution of 'make stuff happen' is rather broad, it keeps me from overloading with other resolutions and then becoming disappointed when I don't reach those resolutions, as happens every year. I'm keeping it simple and I'm striving to loosen my fearfulness of the world and what's in it.</div><div>Let's not see where 2012 takes us. Let's see where we take 2012.</div>Ellie Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13548926418611623070noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1909011047837574831.post-3863457713114450222011-12-02T20:41:00.001-08:002011-12-02T20:53:45.108-08:00Tinged<div>I have to admit that lately, I'm really struggling with being happy. I'm not in any sort of deep, depressed state, but it seems as though everything is tinged with sadness. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I do <b>not </b>take<b> </b>failure lightly. I don't like to fail (not that anyone does) and I take it very personally when I do. I will beat myself up for <i>months</i> for a bad grade, or a mistake on a project.</div><div>So it doesn't help that this week has been laced with failure and its immanency. I didn't make the deadline for the music school I wanted to apply to, and my heart has now settled into my stomach for the foreseeable future. I tell myself almost daily, 'You should have never joined that show (The Yellow Boat). If you hadn't, you'd have finished on time.'</div><div>There are other deadlines I'm struggling to meet, and once again, it feels like everything is falling through the cracks. I'm trying to keep it all together with a smile and hope, but both of those are slowly failing.</div><div><br /></div><div>I want to be happy. Is that too much to ask?</div>Ellie Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13548926418611623070noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1909011047837574831.post-82575066448528536382011-09-06T17:37:00.000-07:002011-09-06T17:54:14.674-07:00MotherhoodMy sister and I have a mutual friend who is married, 30, and gave birth to gorgeous twin girls about a month ago. Two weeks ago, I had the opportunity to hold one of the girls and my heart broke with happiness.<br />"This makes me want to have a baby of my own!" I said as I cuddled the absolutely tiny and adorable little being. Because I do. My age and lack of a spouse is the only thing stopping me. I've talked about how much I want kids in the past and I'll talk about it until the cows come home, because that's just me.<br /><br />On Sunday, my sister saw our friend at church and also held one of the girls. Last night, she and I were talking about it, and she told me that all she could think about was how she just couldn't be a mother.<br />"It's so much sacrifice," Sarah said. "They're so much responsibility. Especially when they're that young. I mean, Micah (another friend's baby), I'm good with holding him because he's <em>older</em>."<br />"That just shows how different we are," I said. "Because all I could think was how much I want one."<br />Honestly, though, that's how it's always been. I've been the one drawn to babies and caring for younger kids. Every other Sunday for the past two-and-a-half years, I've volunteered in the two's classroom at my church. Before I moved to Arizona, I'd volunteered for about a year in the nursery at my old church. Even with my cousins, the difference between Sarah and I showed. Whenever we had a family gathering, <em>I</em> was the one playing with our younger cousins, while she usually spent time with the eldest.<br />Now, my sister is a self-centered person, and I don't mean that in a cutting or condescending way. She has goals, aspirations, and an idea of how she wants to live her life. A life that just doesn't include children. Because that's not who she is.<br />I believe women have it in them from the time they are young whether or not they're going to be mothers one day. It isn't like a switch flipped in Sarah on her 15th birthday and she decided she wasn't cut out for motherhood. No, we've always had our respective roles, and we always will.<br />I'm meant to be a mother, and whether it's to biological, foster, or adopted children, I will be happy. Children are a part of my dreams, my life, my being.Ellie Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13548926418611623070noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1909011047837574831.post-41197508550287378712011-09-03T11:53:00.001-07:002011-09-03T12:37:26.210-07:00TimeIt's been nearly two months since I've posted on here and all I can say is: I've missed it! I have no idea if anyone is actually reading this here blog, but it's a means of expressing myself, so I'm keeping on going.
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<br />School started up again: my senior year. I honestly have to say, though, that I don't feel like it's my last year. I feel like I've been going to high school forever, and that I <em>will</em> be going forever. And in a way, I will be, what with becoming a high school teacher. But it won't be <em>my</em> high school.
<br />Even though it feels like I'm never going to leave, in the back of my mind, that fact is always there. <strong>I'm leaving</strong>. Unlike in the past, where I've hated leaving with every fiber of my being, I now cherish every moment I have. The years past, I've hated waking up on Mondays and having a whole week of school ahead of me, hated waking up at 6:30 in the morning. Now, I'm up at 6 on the dot every day (and believe me when I say that is extraordinary for me) and Mondays are my favorite day, while Fridays are my least.
<br />Ever since I was a child, I've always loved school. But I loved the 'seeing my friends and lunch and recess' parts of it. And as I got older, the 'having choir every single day' part. This year, I love the 'sitting in class and learning and being in this environment'. I've never been so happy to be in <em>school</em>.
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<br />Outside of the whole school situation, it's like my life was a puzzle all nice and put together, and then someone took it, threw all the pieces up in the air, and they're all over the place now. Some are still up in the air, some have landed facedown, others are just gone. I moved back with my mom, whom I haven't lived with for two and a half years. It's a tiny, two-bedroom apartment with my 19-year-old sister and I in <strong>one room</strong>. Sticking two adults (legally speaking, and literally, one and an almost) in one small bedroom? <u>Not a good idea.</u>
<br />My future is up in the air now, too, and I have honestly no idea what's going to happen. I'm trying to put my faith in God, but it's difficult. I don't like not knowing what's going to happen or what I'm going to do - ever. Thus, you can often find me planning in June my birthday party in January.
<br />But whatever happens, I know it's the exact path I'm meant to go down. My number one wish in life is not extravagant. I simply want my children to have a better life than I did. A secure, happy life. As long as I reach that goal, I will be happy for the rest of my life.
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<br />When I started this blog, it was a means of documenting the twists and turns of my life, good and bad. Right now, I'm going through the bad. But I know undoubtedly that the good will come again, for it always does.
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<br />As I like to say, with love and the everlasting hope of a better tomorrow,
<br />Ellie
<br />Ellie Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13548926418611623070noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1909011047837574831.post-41562328629721344902011-07-02T23:53:00.000-07:002011-07-03T00:07:56.611-07:00Knock and He'll Answer!Except, I haven't been knocking. I have been pounding, banging, and kicking. <em>Pleading</em>. All for a job. As I said in my last post, I need a job so I can save up money to live on campus.<br /><br />On Thursday, my sister came over to print off a job application and a few hours later, she called me to let me know that she had an interview the next day. To say I was upset would be an understatement.<br />Why? Oh, maybe because she already <strong>HAS</strong> a job. I spoke aloud my displeasement and she replied that she was only working two days this week. That's more than I'm working, I replied.<br /><br />My mom was hounding me because she said that I have to go out if I want a job. Pretty much <em>all</em> job applications are online nowadays, and I'd already applied to plenty of jobs. No to mention, I was filling out an application for a janitorial position at my church <em>and</em> at a local hardware store with the hours of 4-9am. I was that desperate for a job.<br />Sufficiently pissed that my mom was giving me such a hard time, I finally agreed to go around town with my sister the next day (Friday) to look for jobs.<br />To make a long story short....<strong><em><u>I GOT A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</u></em></strong><br />I really, truly got a <strong><em><u>JOB!!</u></em></strong> Thank you, God!<br />Immediately afterwards, I went out and got work shoes and socks.<br /><br />But in all reality, I'm so afraid this isn't going to last. That they're going to change their minds and not hire me. I desperately need to keep this job. I don't care how pathetic I sound by saying that. Just please, God. Let this last.<br /><br />On another note, I went to the orthopedist on Wednesday. He confirmed that my left leg is nearly one inch shorter than the other (just 0.545cm away). I now have a whole process I have to go through to try and alleviate the pain it causes on my knees, hips, and back. This process includes wearing shoe lifts. That makes me kind of sad.<br />Though, the doctor did mention something about muscle retraining, so hopefully there is some other way to correct it. Having Limb Length Discrepancy can also cause TMJ (which I do have), and I'm hoping that it will get better through the work I'm doing.<br /><br />Enough prattling on. Again, thank you God!<br /><br />Love, EllieEllie Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13548926418611623070noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1909011047837574831.post-14793830913326890672011-06-27T18:27:00.000-07:002011-06-27T18:37:15.404-07:00Summer Boredom BluesI am determined to do something this summer. Unfortunately for me, living in Arizona means whatever something I do, has to be done in an air-conditioned place.<br />So far, I've been passing the 16 hours I'm awake on the computer. I'm tired of just sitting around all day. I want to start working out, but that has to wait until I can find a nearby (affordable) gym.<br />I always start counting down the days until summer about 40 days out, always anxiously awaiting the last day. Then, during summer, I ask myself why. Why would I rather be sitting at home, doing nothing, than be at school with classes to fill my day?<br />My plan during the summer has always been to revamp my look and how I take care of myself, and that goal remains the same this summer. Hopefully I'll be getting a job soon: my number one goal of the summer is to get a whole new wardrobe for under 300 dollars.<br />That's my biggest concern: getting a job. I need to save up enough money to live on-campus. It would be so much nicer than having to commute every day.<br /><br />Let's see if I can actually make this summer worth something.Ellie Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13548926418611623070noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1909011047837574831.post-47057595809828787872011-06-18T01:14:00.000-07:002011-06-18T01:30:40.702-07:00ComfortableIf I ever wasn't anything, comfortable was it.<br />And I don't mean materialistically, either. Though, that did fit for a time.<br /><br />What I mean is that from the time I was a child, it was instilled in me that the world is a dangerous place. I have my mother to thank for this, though she did it unintentionally. I know every mother wants to protect their child(ren), but my mother took it to the extreme.<br />My sister and I began staying at home by ourselves when we were just eight and nine years old. Don't gasp and recoil in horror. We didn't burn the place down or have a seance. We did almost kill each other nearly every day, but that's a different story.<br />What we didn't do was play with friends. Because my mother forbade us to leave the apartment. My sister and I weren't even allowed to cross the street to get the mail, or open the door to let our friends know why we couldn't come out.<br /><br />When we were older (11-13 & 12-14), my mom, sister, and I lived in a little house with a huge backyard. There was nothing in this backyard, and the only way to get to it was to go out the front door, around to the side of the house, and through a gate.<br />Did I ever make that trip? Not hardly. Once again, my sister and I were forbidden to leave the house. Every single day for five summers was spent inside.<br />Later, when my mom granted my sister and I even more freedom, the fear had been installed in us that someone was going to kidnap us as we walked down the street. If I was walking to my friend's house, I had to text or call my mom as soon as I got there.<br />I was afraid of any approaching person or car. And when my friend and I would walk around at night, I nearly had a heart attack out of fear.<br />This also affected me at home. Being alone late at night would equal all lights being on, every door locked, and every door to a dark room tightly closed. And walking around in the dark? Forget about it.<br />I was terrified of my home, my surroundings. <em>Terrified</em>. Nobody should be that afraid of what's around them.<br /><br />Then, suddenly, I wasn't anymore. Without even realizing it, I could walk home without being afraid that someone was going to snatch me up, or shoot me. Tonight, I walked through my house in the dark, cleaning up quietly to not disturb those sleeping. I'm still working on the whole 'being alone thing', but it's getting there.<br />My point is, though, that I am finally comfortable with where I am and being there alone. Because someone may be only a scream away, but until that scream comes, I'm alone. Yes, I may be walking down one of the busiest streets in town, but nobody knows who I am. Walking somewhere, being home, or up late at night, I'm <em>alone</em>.<br /><br />Something I'm finally comfortable with.<br /><br />P.S. I decided I <strong>won't</strong> be posting about my vacation on here. It's just too much to ever condense into words.Ellie Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13548926418611623070noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1909011047837574831.post-72990913382113605342011-06-10T23:39:00.000-07:002011-06-11T00:02:53.596-07:00SummerIt's officially been summer for three weeks now, which is crazy. Leaving for vacation (posts on that later...maybe) the morning after school ended threw me for a loop. The almost two weeks I was gone didn't really seem like they took place in summer.<br />Unfortunately, the summer hasn't started (meaning once I got back from vacation) how I was planning. I applied to well over 15 locations for a job and I haven't gotten one single, "Hi, we'd like to interview you on...' email. Not <strong>one</strong>, which is very frustrating. I need a job so I can afford to live on campus next year.<br />Not to mention, I'm stressing because my counselor completely screwed up my schedule for next year. I had it all worked out with another counselor, who is incredibly nice and unfortunately not mine. Then, my counselor came in and messed it all up. She absolutely will <em>not</em> put me in a freshman level class because "it'll look funny". I don't <em>care </em>if it looks funny, a senior taking a freshman class. I know several people who have done it, including my friend who will be in there with me next year.<br />Anyway, I just really took a moment to think about it, and I complain a lot on here. I should try and write more positive entries.<br /><br />Love, Ellie.Ellie Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13548926418611623070noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1909011047837574831.post-65286736583818780632011-05-10T20:29:00.001-07:002011-05-10T20:38:32.464-07:00Squealing PigsFrustrated would be the number one way to describe how I felt today. It was one of those days when people made me feel like everything I said was utterly stupid, and I may have lost one of my favorite books. But that last part isn't important.<br /><br />The main cause of my frustration - or should I say, main place - was choir. The week and a half or so before a concert is always stressful and a lot of people are on edge. I was really irritated, as I stated before, because the way people (well, mostly one person) were making me feel. To the point where choir was actually pretty unenjoyable today.<br /><br />But then, I got over it. Even though I was really hurt, I still love those people with all my heart. And I love choir. I'm inifinitely grateful to be back, and I try to reflect that in all I say and do. It's really quite amazing, though. I am one to hold a grudge, unfortunately, and if someone hurts me, it takes me a while to get over it. Not with these people. Not with this person. I am a completely different person with them and I love it. We've all been changed by our experience in choir, and definitely for the better.<br /><br />Music makes me happy. Inspires me to be a better person and do great things. Lead a great life. So do these people. I love them all too much to ever stay mad or frustrated at them.<br /><br />Love, Ellie<br /><br />P.S. The title is a song by Admiral Fallow. Go listen to it.Ellie Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13548926418611623070noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1909011047837574831.post-12874438429156544562011-05-07T19:50:00.000-07:002011-05-07T20:26:31.487-07:00Fam Bam<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1KDZgbme4X0nMa4FnR90gMfCOrAF26jYycnAxtOPOr_G551OxAN2IXrkUNYI0vs6iw3z3TNIfDIKFoEeul9HnMoMkCL7cER9XjCJEPN_dqc6YMzgkJQ7Qy08o3HDdUJx1COs7G6DV5fY/s1600/fambam1.PNG"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 252px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5604179959364003458" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1KDZgbme4X0nMa4FnR90gMfCOrAF26jYycnAxtOPOr_G551OxAN2IXrkUNYI0vs6iw3z3TNIfDIKFoEeul9HnMoMkCL7cER9XjCJEPN_dqc6YMzgkJQ7Qy08o3HDdUJx1COs7G6DV5fY/s400/fambam1.PNG" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeb7SpOzss05Jties5ZMSsG6MEUdpg_5AZ1QxgraOLHBZxPZgas1g1cplCAsuhqrGI476lhRMMnc1GgtBMyh-HANKUJR2LR64Vov6Y5b7aYWAi6adGPznv30QYK597sv0PRNXb8bP1deA/s1600/fambam2.PNG"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 248px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5604179948859397906" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeb7SpOzss05Jties5ZMSsG6MEUdpg_5AZ1QxgraOLHBZxPZgas1g1cplCAsuhqrGI476lhRMMnc1GgtBMyh-HANKUJR2LR64Vov6Y5b7aYWAi6adGPznv30QYK597sv0PRNXb8bP1deA/s400/fambam2.PNG" /></a> I have always been a fan of the expression 'fam bam'. It rhymes and has to do with family. And it sounds more interesting than saying family. But I was curious as to what fam bam really meant, so I did what any logical person would do, and popped on over to urbandictionary.com. And I was told...<br />Fam Bam: Family Always Means Backing All Members. </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Pretty nice definition, acronym, whatever you want to call it. That, however, got me thinking. Does fam bam <em>have</em> to mean family that is related to you?<br />I don't think so. <br /><div><br /><div><br /><div><br /><div><br /><div>I think, just like family has been expanded to include people you love and can't live without, fam bam can be, too. My choir is my fam bam. None of us are related, yet we support each other with such ferocity. We protect each other and stand up for each other and we see each other more than we see most of our friends during the day. And, we have a home, too. A place to belong.</div><br /><br /><div>My family is my fam bam, too. We love each other, despite our grievances and short-comings and I look forward to every moment I get to spend with my family. There is nothing like being around people who have known you since you were three days old, people who share the same DNA, accents, and other similarities. There is something to be said for blood family, a connection that does not have to be made, but simply is. </div><br /><div>Fam bam. Family Always Means Backing Any Member. </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>I love my fam bam.</div></div></div></div></div></div>Ellie Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13548926418611623070noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1909011047837574831.post-67688697491045730332011-04-14T17:19:00.000-07:002011-04-14T17:32:43.041-07:00Going Down a New Road<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfGUPOckszWZfX-n-h1N6XgmGWyg2seaK60A44L-mXpS2lFYVZubXL-Ag7xPILHdVmiIOpByUjCny8wVJ2O1K_uoSWRVFFjJ_IF0fpKMEeMJibpWxT6fhKt6Y3tP6gVP5ydrprs7z1WJ0/s1600/Roads.jpg"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 300px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 239px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5595601630325765506" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfGUPOckszWZfX-n-h1N6XgmGWyg2seaK60A44L-mXpS2lFYVZubXL-Ag7xPILHdVmiIOpByUjCny8wVJ2O1K_uoSWRVFFjJ_IF0fpKMEeMJibpWxT6fhKt6Y3tP6gVP5ydrprs7z1WJ0/s400/Roads.jpg" /></a> <br /><div>The past two days have been days of changing directions. Pain has come that I wish I could avoid, but I have to deal with my decisions. It's going to be difficult, but I'm determined to stay on this path I have created. The poem by Robert Frost comes to mind. I'd come to a fork in the road, and I chose the harder path, the road less taken. I can see the other path running nearly parallel to my new one, and there are some amazing moments on that path, the path of my past. Those are the moments I'm going to have to let go of, to not forget, but accept that those moments will not come again.</div><br /><div>This new road is a road of moments I will never regret having. I have several people traveling this road with me: my two best friends in particular. This road is taking me towards maturing and experiencing the next chapter of life. That next chapter of life begins tonight, as I start my journey towards college through voice lessons. I am happy to be travelling down this new road and excited to see what comes.</div><br /><div>I know that I'll have moments where I wish I could be back on my old path, when certain dates pass, or a memory is sparked. But that is not my path anymore. Perhaps one day, in the future, I will see these two paths meet in some ways. Positive ways only, though. The negativity of my old path will no longer affect me. I am a new person.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>I am going down a new road.</div>Ellie Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13548926418611623070noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1909011047837574831.post-63596266425822451652011-04-02T12:29:00.001-07:002011-04-02T12:32:47.244-07:00New Layout<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbTv9XbZ0BV77UKaPR680zmXiwfMwQ8SYLLe3Kynfr9Nrnn2MiaVcS8MAhmPgLStLBsZrmin4jQiNAptjKSB0jnACkit9fmNWjE5UnYGuV8AZOZhk-2XS1qeC178rL_Lv1KpH_1jKQ6KE/s1600/Colorful.jpg"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 400px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 300px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5591071350082434994" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbTv9XbZ0BV77UKaPR680zmXiwfMwQ8SYLLe3Kynfr9Nrnn2MiaVcS8MAhmPgLStLBsZrmin4jQiNAptjKSB0jnACkit9fmNWjE5UnYGuV8AZOZhk-2XS1qeC178rL_Lv1KpH_1jKQ6KE/s400/Colorful.jpg" /></a> <br /><div>It dawned on me the other day that my blog was in need of a facelift. Well, in need of a color-lift is more like it. My previous backround was too dark and dreary, and with spring now here, I felt that when I (or anyone else) meander on over to my page, a nice, bright page ought to be the greeting. I hope you like it! </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Love, Ellie</div>Ellie Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13548926418611623070noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1909011047837574831.post-24876148785299610272011-03-29T20:11:00.001-07:002011-03-29T20:16:37.799-07:0040 Days and CountingIt puzzles me that here I am, once again counting down the days until summer vacation. Time passes so quickly without even realizing it. But that's not what puzzles me. It's the fact that even though I'm looking forward to summer vacation and being a senior, I'm not looking forward to leave choir for three months or, with every event next year, thinking to myself, "This is the last time I'll do this." So why do I continue to count down the days until that comes? It's conflicting. I love family, I love summer, and freedom. But I love choir, too. It's my home away from home. We joke in my class that VE kids spend more time in the choir room than we do at home. It's nice, though, to be surrounded by like-minded people. I can't say that, when the time comes, I'll miss it, because I'll never be without it. Even when I go off to college, I'll be with people who are musically inclined like me, then I'll be a choir teacher and continue to be with those who think like I do. It's comforting, but I still do not look forward to the end of the school year. 39 days tomorrow.Ellie Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13548926418611623070noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1909011047837574831.post-72635416525796520912011-03-22T21:25:00.001-07:002011-03-22T21:38:56.736-07:00I WantA friend's photo inspired me to do this blog, so here I go. Hopefully in a few years, I'll be able to look back and see what I actually got.<br /><br />What I want....<br /><br />I want to spend less time doing pointless things and more time studying, reading, or spending time with friends.<br />I want to be more organized when it comes to school.<br />I want to make the most of the last year I have at school.<br />I want to graduate with a full ride to the college of my dreams.<br />I want to go to college, unafraid of what lies ahead.<br />I want to <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">fulfill my hunger to know everything when it comes to music.</span><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected">I want to walk away from college, diploma in hand and be sure of myself in what I'm doing.</span><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected">I want to teach high school choir.</span><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected">I want to be even just half the teacher my director is and I'll consider myself a success.</span><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected"></span><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected">I want to find someone who takes an interest in me.</span><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected">I want a man who is strong in his faith and will encourage me to be strong in mine.</span><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected">I want a man who understands that I am perfectly comfortable lounging on the couch playing video games, but also comfortable dressed to the nines for the world premiere of a musical.</span><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected">I want a man who will never make me question where I stand with him.</span><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected">I want a man who believes that he is the head of the household, as I do, but also realizes that I am equally important.</span><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected">I want a man who will stick around to be my children's father.</span><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected">I want a man who isn't afraid to cry or show emotion.</span><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected">I want a man who will understand me when words fail.</span><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected">I want a man who knows that when I'm angry at him, I just want him to hug me and tell me he loves me.</span><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected">I want a man who will never judge me and will always be by my side.</span><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected"></span><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected">I want to grow in my relationship with God.</span><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected">I want to read my Bible every day, and hopefully the whole way through in one year.</span><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected">I want to see God in everything I do.</span><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected">I want people to look at me and know undeniably that I am a follower of Christ.</span><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected">I want a church that supports what I believe and where I feel like I belong.</span><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected">I want to raise my children so that they can never deny that God exists.</span><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected"></span><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected">I want to start eating healthy, working out, and treating my body the way it should be treated.</span><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected">I want to be more confident in who I am and not care what others think.</span><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected">I want to not be afraid to defend myself.</span><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected">I want to be more eloquent.</span><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected">I want a lifetime of music.</span><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected">I want a lifetime of love.</span><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected">I want to be everything God created me to be and have everything he created for me to have.</span><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected">I want to live an amazing life.</span><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected"></span><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected">I want, at the end of my life to say, "This is my life. I have found it worth living."</span>Ellie Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13548926418611623070noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1909011047837574831.post-38105477751739618442011-03-19T01:51:00.001-07:002011-03-29T20:10:02.039-07:00RamblingsI don't know what I'm going to write about. I just feel like writing. I got my permit today. I'm so relieved I don't have to worry about it anymore. No more studying or wondering when I can go take the test again. I'm not going to pretend anymore. I'm going to be myself 100% and not worry about what anyone says. Why do some people get married fresh out of college and it lasts, while others are in their late 20's to early 30's and still unlucky in love? I don't know. I've got a lot of thoughts rolling through my head. I want some answers. I have questions I've kept in my head my whole life, and it's about time they came out. I look in the mirror and I don't even know all of who I am. I apparently look more like my father's side of the family, but how am I to know when I've never even met my father? I want to know if I've got his jaw, or his mom's nose, or if I'm the spitting image of a sister or cousin. I want to know <em>where I came from</em>. I'm just so tired of being half a person with half a family. I know that my father wasn't a good person, but he's still my father and part of who I am. There's an entire part of myself I may never know and I can't deal with that. I need to know. I need closure. I want to look in the mirror and see <strong>me</strong>. It's too hard, going through life like this. I can't even explain what I'm feeling right now, and writing is my strong suit. I just need to know.Ellie Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13548926418611623070noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1909011047837574831.post-70283316869835517192011-03-11T21:52:00.000-08:002011-03-11T22:20:52.744-08:00RelationshipsI just finished watching P.S. I Love You, sans tissues, and I found it to be quite an enjoyable movie. However, I didn't like the turn Holly Kennedy's life took when Jerry first died and when she began making shoes. She lost control of herself, and that is in no way appealing.<br />Lack of control was not what I didn't like most about the movie. What I disliked was the fact that with both Jerry and William Gallagher, Holly rushed headlong into being romantic with them. When she and Jerry kissed for the first time, she didn't even know his name! Then with William, Holly's not even a quarter drunk and she plants one on him. It seemed like Holly was a little desperate.<br />So I ask. Why do movies have to portray love like this? Two strangers meet on a train or at a bar (or in this case, on the road to Dun Laoghaire) and that night, they're sleeping together. This type of relationship is nearly always seen as working out perfectly, but in honest to goodness life, <em>it doesn't</em>. Relationships are built through getting to know someone, not rolling in the hay the first time you meet. In order for relationships to last, there has to be a good foundation.<br />Furthermore, when a guy and a girl meet, lust is too often mistaken for love. They sleep together, so that irreversible bond is there and the two just can't break up. The girl thinks she loves the guy because she's got his favorite cereal at her place and the guy thinks he loves the girl because she's got a drawer at his. <strong>That's not love</strong>.<br />Love is being friends first, and being willing to abstain from going any further because you want to get to know the person <em>before </em>you start dating them, not while you are. Love is taking it slow because love needs time to grow and develop as you spend more time with someone. Love is wanting to always be there for the person. Love is knowing everything about someone, not because you love them, but because you love them enough to care.<br /><br />I know I won't see this kind of love in the movies any time soon because frankly, the greater population likes Holly's kind of love better. They're okay with kissing strangers and sleeping around, and casual (serial) dating. That makes me feel kind of sad, because I know that isn't true love.<br /><br />My favorite part of P.S. I Love You? Watching the whole thing and only during the credits realizing Daniel was played by Harry Connick Jr.Ellie Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13548926418611623070noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1909011047837574831.post-74350479087209642062011-03-07T18:56:00.001-08:002011-03-07T19:00:50.351-08:00Wishes<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFYVvbrQ5JuSNUCvpN8Y4a4zTBodZuIjzX-SLFFJklT_rCG6lvOyW7cKdTs9wIlYs3StlW94a1MhEsDbhzETFIbO3YCilGpOXAcpbSXVQm29tOQmegTvOGM0eIxjI0seDbbk9HwGSae7E/s1600/Glamour.jpg"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 400px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 267px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5581538672717598082" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFYVvbrQ5JuSNUCvpN8Y4a4zTBodZuIjzX-SLFFJklT_rCG6lvOyW7cKdTs9wIlYs3StlW94a1MhEsDbhzETFIbO3YCilGpOXAcpbSXVQm29tOQmegTvOGM0eIxjI0seDbbk9HwGSae7E/s400/Glamour.jpg" /></a><br /><div>I wish I could be one of those girls who are always wearing the most stylish things and always look so amazingly put-together. The ones who are so into fashion and beauty and all that glamorous stuff.</div><br /><div>But I can't. As much as I would like to.</div>Ellie Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13548926418611623070noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1909011047837574831.post-34259644863287368772011-02-20T14:37:00.000-08:002011-02-20T14:55:10.276-08:00Yearning- A Poem<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMyHLZjYeKYa3aKRJL7vjDuVJoqbhSV8An63cuIYySAAj9x0LTs_Cqnz0YEGTKe4SzSkEi62eC1-J0JbDTjS6nmu0hjsc5o7PR5FEyWROhi-bga7-CxUtdx-J66gt_aUBiQ-XchCddGqo/s1600/birdcage.jpg"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 267px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 400px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5575908372841975282" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMyHLZjYeKYa3aKRJL7vjDuVJoqbhSV8An63cuIYySAAj9x0LTs_Cqnz0YEGTKe4SzSkEi62eC1-J0JbDTjS6nmu0hjsc5o7PR5FEyWROhi-bga7-CxUtdx-J66gt_aUBiQ-XchCddGqo/s400/birdcage.jpg" /></a><br /><div>I feel...like a bird in a cage.<br />It's a very lovely cage, but a cage nonetheless.</div><div>I look out, and see people</div><div>Who have what I will someday</div><br /><div></div><div>I want those things</div><div>Here, now</div><div>I want what will be</div><div>To finally <strong><em>be</em></strong></div><br /><div></div><div>There's that whole spiel</div><div>About waiting and good things</div><div>I've waited a long</div><div>Time</div><br /><div></div><div>I look at those</div><div>Who no longer</div><div>Have to wait</div><div>And I wonder</div><br /><div></div><div></div><div> </div><div> </div><div>Are you appreciative of<br />All you have?</div><div>Or do you take for granted</div><div>What you've been blessed with?</div><br /><div></div><div><strong><u>Fly</u></strong></div><br /><div></div><div>I am a bird<br />Trapped here in my cage</div><div>Continually watching the world</div><div>Through the bars of my prison</div><br /><div></div><div>The cage is lovely</div><div>As is the view</div><div>But my space grows smaller</div><div>With each and every day</div><br /><div>The world I see</div><div>Stretched before me</div><div>Has so much to offer</div><div>I yearn, for just the smallest bit of freedom</div><br /><div></div><div>My wings beat hopelessly</div><div>As I try to leave</div><div>Though it is for naught</div><div>And I settle to the bottom, defeated</div><br /><div></div><div>I yearn for that day</div><div>When the door to my confines</div><div>Swings open and allows me a way out</div><br /><div>Still, I will cautiously approach</div><div>Afraid of a cruel trick</div><div>And a slamming door</div><div>Just as I begin to spread my wings</div><br /><div></div><div></div><div>Just as I begin to fly</div>Ellie Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13548926418611623070noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1909011047837574831.post-13424573986714420922011-02-02T19:41:00.000-08:002011-02-02T20:18:35.733-08:00Nothing MuchRight now, this entry has no purpose. But watch, and by the end, it will. It just happens that way.<br />Rehearsals for a play I'm in are starting up soon, so much of my time will be eaten up by that, and hopefully voice lessons. I've got exactly 10 months before I have to submit vocal auditions to the college I want to attend and that's kind of scary. I only get two tries to audition and it would be fantastic if I got in on the first try, like my director before me. But I have no idea what I want to sing or anything. There are some guidelines, though, as to the style.<br /><br />The other day I was told by a fellow choir-member that another choir-member had called me a kiss-a** because I'm always talking with our director. Always puts it a bit on the heavy side, but I will say that she (meaning our director) and I do talk. She has helped me with problems before and sometimes we talk just to talk, like anyone does.<br />In my second hour, I spoke to another girl in Vocal Ensemble who was around the girl who called me a kiss-up when it happened. The following 'conversation' ensued.<br /><br />Me: You know, it hurts me that the girls in VE think it's okay to talk crap about me. I never talk crap about anyone in VE.<br />Her: Who? They just think you're too involved.<br />Me: (Girl's name). But even last year, when everyone hated me. I still tried to be nice. And what do you mean?<br />Her: Because you always have ideas and you're always talking to (our director's name) and you always want to coordinate or do everything for VE.<br />Me: I can understand how someone can think I'm being a kiss-up (<--- that was a total lie, I don't understand). But I talk to her because she gives good advice. And everything I do is for you guys. That Xmas party? I worked on that party for well over 20 collective hours. And I find it funny, that coming from a girl who said I worked hard to include everyone.<br />Her: Yeah, that makes sense. It's just, I think people are jealous because they can't do what you do for us. I know I kind of am.<br />Me: Jealous? What?<br />Her: Yes, because you always have a cool idea, you always have the means to do something for us, you always have something to give, and you never want anything back.<br />Me: That's just me. And it's somewhat circumstance. But I'm just that type of person. I put others before me. If I can make you happy, that makes me happy.<br />Her: Yeah, I understand. To be honest, I used to talk about you and it gets less and less. I really don't anymore because I've accepted you.<br />Me: Well....thanks. But this isn't something to change about me. It's not like how you said I was stuck up last year. Selflessness isn't something to apologize for. You think maybe if I delegated in my ideas?<br />Her: Yeah, I think that would help with the jealousy issue, and you have to consider our ideas and add a couple, because when I tried to help you with the "Baby It's Cold Outside" dance, you didn't use any of my ideas.<br />Me: And I apologize for that. That's something I struggle with. Letting people help me or asking for help.<br />Her: Yeah, it's noticeable. I can help you with that if you want.<br />Me: Okay.<br /><br />The fact that she said she "accepted" me really upset me because I know people who I don't accept their way of life or how they act, but I'm still kind and I don't talk down about them. And I find it ironic that the girl who called me a kiss-up was putting me down as I was in, talking to our director about an idea I had that would positively lift-up and encourage everyone in choir. After my friend told me I ought to delegate more, I talked with our director again that afternoon about how I could involve the girls in VE and she gave me a few ideas that were really good.<br /><br />I just find it frustrating, though. Last year, everyone hated me because they thought I was weird because I was quiet and according to some, I acted stuck up. It was suggested to me that they thought I was stuck up because I didn't interact much with them. I didn't interact, not because I'm stuck up, but because I was shy and introverted. And awkward would be a good word, too. I didn't know where I fit in. Now, I talk more, I engage and interact, and do things for the girls in VE and they don't like me because of it. Is there no middle ground?!<br />Again, a very wise person told me that perhaps it is because they are skeptical. "There aren't many people like that in the world today," she said, and talked about how when somebody does something nice for someone else, that person's first reaction tends to be, "What's their ulterior motive?" And how you can say that you're doing it because you care and their reaction will still be, "But why?"<br />That's really hard to deal with. I forget who, but I heard someone say once that people tend to do nice things only because they're thinking of what they'll get out of it. In no way am I trying to put myself up on a pedestal, but that <strong>is not me</strong>. I do for others and expect nothing in return. Their happiness is enough. As I told my friend, everything I do for them is purely for them. I have no ulterior motive other than that I care. And some of it just happens to be things I like to do, like bake. On Monday, I'm going to bring a batch of cookies in for everyone just because I feel like baking. You know, I think that sums me up pretty well. I care. Like last year, when everyone thought I was weird because I didn't talk? I listened. I listened to what people said and took it in. My best friend told me it's strange the things I can remember, but that's because I care enough to do so.<br /><br />Hopefully, when I go on to teach choir myself, my students will be more open and receptive to acts of kindness, not only from me, but from each other.Ellie Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13548926418611623070noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1909011047837574831.post-11580938379819114512011-01-16T19:41:00.000-08:002011-01-16T19:59:39.450-08:00Newer Thoughts1. I am now seventeen. It doesn't feel an inch different from sixteen.<br /><br />2. Sometimes my laziness affects what's most important to me.<br /><br />3. Music is pretty awesome (this isn't a new thought)<br /><br />4. People do unexpected things.<br /><br />5. There are some things in life I will never understand.<br /><br />6. Prayer can bring about very good things.<br /><br />7. This is just a moment.<br /><br />8. Sometimes I think too much about the future.<br /><br />9. I tell myself to act a certain way, then forget to.<br /><br />10. It's not about priority. It's about importance.<br /><br />11. Sometimes having three loves can be hard. Especially when you can only have two.<br /><br />12. I get on my own nerves sometimes.<br /><br />13. I don't want to be anything or anyone else.<br /><br />14. I want to be a part of something big.<br /><br />15. I wish I was closer to some people.<br /><br />16. I am curious to see how this next year is.<br /><br />17. There are changes to be made.<br /><br />18. Going forward is possible if you're looking backwards.<br /><br />19. I will never again take for granted what I have.<br /><br />20. Words are powerful.<br /><br />21. You can, without realizing it, hurt people you love.<br /><br />22. I need to focus more.<br /><br />23. Sometimes silence speaks loudest.<br /><br />24. Walls are useless.<br /><br />25. There will always be stupid people.<br /><br />26. I don't care if someone hates me.<br /><br />27. You can go without.<br /><br />28. Spontaneity is much funner than planning.<br /><br />29. But planning leads to unexpected things.<br /><br />30. I didn't plan for this to be so long.<br /><br />31. Ice cream can lead to tears. But it can stop them, too.<br /><br />32. Essence isn't necessarily New Age-y.<br /><br />33. You can't truly appreciate something unless you've lost it, then gained it back.<br /><br />34. It is possible to look forward to one thing every single day.<br /><br />35. You don't mature as you grow up. You grow up as you mature.<br /><br />36. It's all about timing. And patience.<br /><br />37. Sometimes, you have to make sacrifices.<br /><br />38. God puts people in each other's lives right when they need each other most.<br /><br />39. Family doesn't mean you're related.<br /><br />40. Once around the piano, we <strong>are </strong>a family.<br /><br />Love,<br />Ellie<br /><br />P.S. I got a laptop for Christmas. It's pretty fantastic.Ellie Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13548926418611623070noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1909011047837574831.post-82035620072292860602010-12-23T14:40:00.000-08:002010-12-23T14:50:28.492-08:00Taking Things for Granted<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyEjwy4OvViLNguwYrKBxo_Q0V6GqGXpNYfHQxTjeme8dimI5lakuIp7804sK0gA4EN4ARgvBmT0q3BmMRyt9lQ_WRGZsQlupAkRagRuw25MDL2UofKrxFxdevzMhIqRS2ppfWMNKyOec/s1600/untitled.bmp"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 348px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5554013784512015698" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyEjwy4OvViLNguwYrKBxo_Q0V6GqGXpNYfHQxTjeme8dimI5lakuIp7804sK0gA4EN4ARgvBmT0q3BmMRyt9lQ_WRGZsQlupAkRagRuw25MDL2UofKrxFxdevzMhIqRS2ppfWMNKyOec/s400/untitled.bmp" /></a><br /><div>Up until two weeks ago, I'd been guilty of taking my computer for granted. It was right there whenever I needed it; I could listen to music, chat with friends, and shop online, all in one place. I even occasionally became angry with my computer, blaming it for distracting me from homework and cleaning.<br />Then my computer died. I have been Facebook deprived for a long time and I haven't been able to talk to many of my friends. I thought I would solve the problem today by coming down to the library and get an hour's worth of Facebook and music. Turns out I was wrong.<br />You see, if you're musically inclined like me, if you haven't heard your favorite songs for two weeks and you think you'll finally be able to, you know the level of annoyance I feel at <strong>not</strong> being able to listen to just a few Mumford & Sons songs!<br />I've been begging my aunt to have someone come out and look at my crashed computer and she says she will, but God knows how long that will be.<br /><br />I just want to hear some dang music!<br /><br />Merry early Christmas everyone.<br /><br />Love,<br />Ellie</div>Ellie Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13548926418611623070noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1909011047837574831.post-68545076722750722232010-11-20T01:05:00.000-08:002010-11-20T01:18:05.507-08:00A Bit of TimeSo here it is: 2:06 am and I have time to write! But I'm not complaining because writing is writing, no matter where or when it occurs.<br /><br />One thing that's been on my mind lately is how long I've lived in my current, well, abode. I moved to Arizona from Missouri three years ago the 11th, and that blows my mind away. If, when I was moving out here, someone would have told me exactly how my life would be right now, I would have laughed in their face.<br /><br />Me, braces? A lavender room? <strong>Not</strong> possible.<br />But through God, all things are possible.<br /><br />I suppose the biggest reason I am blown away with how many years I've been here is that this is-excluding my first three and 1/2 years of life-the longest time I have ever lived in one geographical area.<br />To show you what I mean, let me give you a list.<br /><br />Birth-3&1/2: Grandma's house<br />3&1/2-5: 'B' Apartments<br />5-6: 'C' Apartments<br />6-8: Lake Viking<br />8-9: S&C's, 'C' Apartments<br />9: AZ (2 weeks)<br />9-11: 'C' Apartments<br />11: AZ (7 months)<br />11-13: A&R's, A&D's, 'L' Apartments, 'W' House<br />13-16: AZ, Aunt's, 'G' Apartments, 'F' Apartments, Aunt's<br /><br />So in conclusion, I have moved a grand total of 17 times. The longest time I'd spent at one school was two years and eight months, and about halfway through my freshman year, it hit me.<br /><br /><strong>I would graduate from the same high school I'd begun at.</strong><br /><strong></strong><br />I will never switch schools again, ever.<br />And that-to a girl who attended nine schools (five in one year alone)?<br /><br />Is a <strong>wonderful </strong>feeling.<br /><br />Until next time, all my love.Ellie Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13548926418611623070noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1909011047837574831.post-6985261061371854172010-11-14T20:54:00.000-08:002010-11-14T21:01:11.549-08:00Long Time No TypeIt's been nearly three months since I last posted on this blog. I have-on days-sat down with every intention of writing a blog (and I think I even have a few drafts from those days) and instead, have found myself caught up in doing something else.<br />I've been extremely busy, seeing as this school year is by far the most difficult, and as a result of the numerous activities I'm involved in. <strong>However</strong>, the theatre production I'm in is ending this week, which means I will have more time on my hands than I know what to do with!<br /><br />Until I get a job, that is.<br /><br />But until I do, if I have a free moment and if the Sims or Facebook doesn't distract me, I will sit down and update.<br /><br />Until then, all my love.Ellie Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13548926418611623070noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1909011047837574831.post-11499063191201721472010-08-20T16:31:00.001-07:002010-09-01T19:34:24.591-07:00School & Possibilities<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiE1Wk5qVi_x9Tt8Hngg5dDqYijfS29ty3IirKMj6GCdPhX1o7x4khPvih-50teiDyoYc46LSyZEt8JkYzgkrbm9sShyphenhyphen-kxaTrG851-mEvqNttySVfSKP49kysl7umd8BfXGtAXUR-LU2Y/s1600/graduation_2012_gifts_rose_rackcard-p2459427570301024862l5cl_400.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 400px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5512138785939000082" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiE1Wk5qVi_x9Tt8Hngg5dDqYijfS29ty3IirKMj6GCdPhX1o7x4khPvih-50teiDyoYc46LSyZEt8JkYzgkrbm9sShyphenhyphen-kxaTrG851-mEvqNttySVfSKP49kysl7umd8BfXGtAXUR-LU2Y/s400/graduation_2012_gifts_rose_rackcard-p2459427570301024862l5cl_400.jpg" /></a><br /><div>Today marks halfway through the fourth week of my junior year and I am loving it. The days pass by so quickly, all of my classes are fun, full of friends, and really close together (which is fantastic), and I'm a part of Speech & Debate, Chess, and NHS.<br /><br />It really amazes me how fast these past years have flown by, because I remember my first day of freshman year and thinking, 'I've got four years ahead of me to do everything I want'. I was genuinely looking forward to those four years, too. I had goals and expectations for myself and just had so many things planned out.<br /><br />Then freshman year ended and I was no longer the bottom of the high school rank, but still an underclassman. Sophomore year went painstakingly slow, especially in the second semester, but like freshman year, it was suddenly over. Now, with many things I do, I think to myself, 'This year and the next. That's all you have.' And it's a sappy thing. It's sad because my high school expereince is half over, when it seemed just two short years ago that this day would never come; but it's also happy because I'm moving onto the next greatly anticipated phase of life- college.<br /><br />So I'm trying to make the most out of my last two years of high school, joining clubs I never thought I'd join, like chess, and being more friendly and outgoing. I've gained many friends and gotten closer to more and I'm really excited to see what all of this will bring.<br /><br /><br /><br />Now, the possibilities-well possibility-I'm talking about is the fact that I'm thinking of starting a vlog channel on YouTube. I'd call it 'The Life and Times of Ellie D.' and I'd just talk about what's going on in my life, maybe do some hauls, and then I'd have a section called 'Ask Me Mondays' where subscribers could email me questions such as 'Why is the sky blue?' or 'What is the name of Band of Horses' new album?' Just whatever they wanted to, so long as it was appropriate. I'd just have to figure out how to do everything, like upload and edit the video, since my computer is incredibly old.<br /><br />I may be learning how to play the drums (!!!) and will hopefully be getting a job soon. I am excited for life!</div>Ellie Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13548926418611623070noreply@blogger.com0