Tuesday, September 6, 2011


My sister and I have a mutual friend who is married, 30, and gave birth to gorgeous twin girls about a month ago. Two weeks ago, I had the opportunity to hold one of the girls and my heart broke with happiness.
"This makes me want to have a baby of my own!" I said as I cuddled the absolutely tiny and adorable little being. Because I do. My age and lack of a spouse is the only thing stopping me. I've talked about how much I want kids in the past and I'll talk about it until the cows come home, because that's just me.

On Sunday, my sister saw our friend at church and also held one of the girls. Last night, she and I were talking about it, and she told me that all she could think about was how she just couldn't be a mother.
"It's so much sacrifice," Sarah said. "They're so much responsibility. Especially when they're that young. I mean, Micah (another friend's baby), I'm good with holding him because he's older."
"That just shows how different we are," I said. "Because all I could think was how much I want one."
Honestly, though, that's how it's always been. I've been the one drawn to babies and caring for younger kids. Every other Sunday for the past two-and-a-half years, I've volunteered in the two's classroom at my church. Before I moved to Arizona, I'd volunteered for about a year in the nursery at my old church. Even with my cousins, the difference between Sarah and I showed. Whenever we had a family gathering, I was the one playing with our younger cousins, while she usually spent time with the eldest.
Now, my sister is a self-centered person, and I don't mean that in a cutting or condescending way. She has goals, aspirations, and an idea of how she wants to live her life. A life that just doesn't include children. Because that's not who she is.
I believe women have it in them from the time they are young whether or not they're going to be mothers one day. It isn't like a switch flipped in Sarah on her 15th birthday and she decided she wasn't cut out for motherhood. No, we've always had our respective roles, and we always will.
I'm meant to be a mother, and whether it's to biological, foster, or adopted children, I will be happy. Children are a part of my dreams, my life, my being.

Saturday, September 3, 2011


It's been nearly two months since I've posted on here and all I can say is: I've missed it! I have no idea if anyone is actually reading this here blog, but it's a means of expressing myself, so I'm keeping on going.

School started up again: my senior year. I honestly have to say, though, that I don't feel like it's my last year. I feel like I've been going to high school forever, and that I will be going forever. And in a way, I will be, what with becoming a high school teacher. But it won't be my high school.
Even though it feels like I'm never going to leave, in the back of my mind, that fact is always there. I'm leaving. Unlike in the past, where I've hated leaving with every fiber of my being, I now cherish every moment I have. The years past, I've hated waking up on Mondays and having a whole week of school ahead of me, hated waking up at 6:30 in the morning. Now, I'm up at 6 on the dot every day (and believe me when I say that is extraordinary for me) and Mondays are my favorite day, while Fridays are my least.
Ever since I was a child, I've always loved school. But I loved the 'seeing my friends and lunch and recess' parts of it. And as I got older, the 'having choir every single day' part. This year, I love the 'sitting in class and learning and being in this environment'. I've never been so happy to be in school.

Outside of the whole school situation, it's like my life was a puzzle all nice and put together, and then someone took it, threw all the pieces up in the air, and they're all over the place now. Some are still up in the air, some have landed facedown, others are just gone. I moved back with my mom, whom I haven't lived with for two and a half years. It's a tiny, two-bedroom apartment with my 19-year-old sister and I in one room. Sticking two adults (legally speaking, and literally, one and an almost) in one small bedroom? Not a good idea.
My future is up in the air now, too, and I have honestly no idea what's going to happen. I'm trying to put my faith in God, but it's difficult. I don't like not knowing what's going to happen or what I'm going to do - ever. Thus, you can often find me planning in June my birthday party in January.
But whatever happens, I know it's the exact path I'm meant to go down. My number one wish in life is not extravagant. I simply want my children to have a better life than I did. A secure, happy life. As long as I reach that goal, I will be happy for the rest of my life.

When I started this blog, it was a means of documenting the twists and turns of my life, good and bad. Right now, I'm going through the bad. But I know undoubtedly that the good will come again, for it always does.

As I like to say, with love and the everlasting hope of a better tomorrow,