Tuesday, March 29, 2011

40 Days and Counting

It puzzles me that here I am, once again counting down the days until summer vacation. Time passes so quickly without even realizing it. But that's not what puzzles me. It's the fact that even though I'm looking forward to summer vacation and being a senior, I'm not looking forward to leave choir for three months or, with every event next year, thinking to myself, "This is the last time I'll do this." So why do I continue to count down the days until that comes? It's conflicting. I love family, I love summer, and freedom. But I love choir, too. It's my home away from home. We joke in my class that VE kids spend more time in the choir room than we do at home. It's nice, though, to be surrounded by like-minded people. I can't say that, when the time comes, I'll miss it, because I'll never be without it. Even when I go off to college, I'll be with people who are musically inclined like me, then I'll be a choir teacher and continue to be with those who think like I do. It's comforting, but I still do not look forward to the end of the school year. 39 days tomorrow.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

I Want

A friend's photo inspired me to do this blog, so here I go. Hopefully in a few years, I'll be able to look back and see what I actually got.

What I want....

I want to spend less time doing pointless things and more time studying, reading, or spending time with friends.
I want to be more organized when it comes to school.
I want to make the most of the last year I have at school.
I want to graduate with a full ride to the college of my dreams.
I want to go to college, unafraid of what lies ahead.
I want to fulfill my hunger to know everything when it comes to music.
I want to walk away from college, diploma in hand and be sure of myself in what I'm doing.
I want to teach high school choir.
I want to be even just half the teacher my director is and I'll consider myself a success.

I want to find someone who takes an interest in me.
I want a man who is strong in his faith and will encourage me to be strong in mine.
I want a man who understands that I am perfectly comfortable lounging on the couch playing video games, but also comfortable dressed to the nines for the world premiere of a musical.
I want a man who will never make me question where I stand with him.
I want a man who believes that he is the head of the household, as I do, but also realizes that I am equally important.
I want a man who will stick around to be my children's father.
I want a man who isn't afraid to cry or show emotion.
I want a man who will understand me when words fail.
I want a man who knows that when I'm angry at him, I just want him to hug me and tell me he loves me.
I want a man who will never judge me and will always be by my side.

I want to grow in my relationship with God.
I want to read my Bible every day, and hopefully the whole way through in one year.
I want to see God in everything I do.
I want people to look at me and know undeniably that I am a follower of Christ.
I want a church that supports what I believe and where I feel like I belong.
I want to raise my children so that they can never deny that God exists.

I want to start eating healthy, working out, and treating my body the way it should be treated.
I want to be more confident in who I am and not care what others think.
I want to not be afraid to defend myself.
I want to be more eloquent.
I want a lifetime of music.
I want a lifetime of love.
I want to be everything God created me to be and have everything he created for me to have.
I want to live an amazing life.

I want, at the end of my life to say, "This is my life. I have found it worth living."

Saturday, March 19, 2011


I don't know what I'm going to write about. I just feel like writing. I got my permit today. I'm so relieved I don't have to worry about it anymore. No more studying or wondering when I can go take the test again. I'm not going to pretend anymore. I'm going to be myself 100% and not worry about what anyone says. Why do some people get married fresh out of college and it lasts, while others are in their late 20's to early 30's and still unlucky in love? I don't know. I've got a lot of thoughts rolling through my head. I want some answers. I have questions I've kept in my head my whole life, and it's about time they came out. I look in the mirror and I don't even know all of who I am. I apparently look more like my father's side of the family, but how am I to know when I've never even met my father? I want to know if I've got his jaw, or his mom's nose, or if I'm the spitting image of a sister or cousin. I want to know where I came from. I'm just so tired of being half a person with half a family. I know that my father wasn't a good person, but he's still my father and part of who I am. There's an entire part of myself I may never know and I can't deal with that. I need to know. I need closure. I want to look in the mirror and see me. It's too hard, going through life like this. I can't even explain what I'm feeling right now, and writing is my strong suit. I just need to know.

Friday, March 11, 2011


I just finished watching P.S. I Love You, sans tissues, and I found it to be quite an enjoyable movie. However, I didn't like the turn Holly Kennedy's life took when Jerry first died and when she began making shoes. She lost control of herself, and that is in no way appealing.
Lack of control was not what I didn't like most about the movie. What I disliked was the fact that with both Jerry and William Gallagher, Holly rushed headlong into being romantic with them. When she and Jerry kissed for the first time, she didn't even know his name! Then with William, Holly's not even a quarter drunk and she plants one on him. It seemed like Holly was a little desperate.
So I ask. Why do movies have to portray love like this? Two strangers meet on a train or at a bar (or in this case, on the road to Dun Laoghaire) and that night, they're sleeping together. This type of relationship is nearly always seen as working out perfectly, but in honest to goodness life, it doesn't. Relationships are built through getting to know someone, not rolling in the hay the first time you meet. In order for relationships to last, there has to be a good foundation.
Furthermore, when a guy and a girl meet, lust is too often mistaken for love. They sleep together, so that irreversible bond is there and the two just can't break up. The girl thinks she loves the guy because she's got his favorite cereal at her place and the guy thinks he loves the girl because she's got a drawer at his. That's not love.
Love is being friends first, and being willing to abstain from going any further because you want to get to know the person before you start dating them, not while you are. Love is taking it slow because love needs time to grow and develop as you spend more time with someone. Love is wanting to always be there for the person. Love is knowing everything about someone, not because you love them, but because you love them enough to care.

I know I won't see this kind of love in the movies any time soon because frankly, the greater population likes Holly's kind of love better. They're okay with kissing strangers and sleeping around, and casual (serial) dating. That makes me feel kind of sad, because I know that isn't true love.

My favorite part of P.S. I Love You? Watching the whole thing and only during the credits realizing Daniel was played by Harry Connick Jr.

Monday, March 7, 2011


I wish I could be one of those girls who are always wearing the most stylish things and always look so amazingly put-together. The ones who are so into fashion and beauty and all that glamorous stuff.

But I can't. As much as I would like to.