Friday, December 30, 2011

Make Stuff Happen

I have to admit that lately, I've been struggling with fear. In fact, much of 2011 has been spent in fear. After I returned from vacation, I was cut-off - meaning I had to start paying for things myself. I feared that I wouldn't be able to do so, mostly because I didn't even have a job. Then I did get a job and the excitement was short lived, replaced by the fear that I wouldn't do well and replaced by my not wanting to go to work. Of course, that brought on the fear that I was lazy and I'd spend the rest of my life sitting on the couch, watching TV or something.
In fact, a lot of my fears were justified this year. I feared I would get kicked out of my aunt's house for a inane reason, and I did. I feared I wouldn't make it into the music school of my choice, and I didn't. And although I will apply again, my life is forever changed.
Now, I fear that I'm not taking the appropriate steps to get into college. Once again, I'm being lazy and avoiding filling out scholarships or calling the admissions office for help with switching my major and the like. And that scares me. I tell myself that if I don't do what I need to do, I won't be able to afford college, and yet that is not enough to spur me on.

My resolution for 2012, my mantra, is to make stuff happen. Make what I want to happen, happen. Which, if you think about it, pretty much covers any other resolution I could make. So while the resolution of 'make stuff happen' is rather broad, it keeps me from overloading with other resolutions and then becoming disappointed when I don't reach those resolutions, as happens every year. I'm keeping it simple and I'm striving to loosen my fearfulness of the world and what's in it.
Let's not see where 2012 takes us. Let's see where we take 2012.

Friday, December 2, 2011


I have to admit that lately, I'm really struggling with being happy. I'm not in any sort of deep, depressed state, but it seems as though everything is tinged with sadness. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I do not take failure lightly. I don't like to fail (not that anyone does) and I take it very personally when I do. I will beat myself up for months for a bad grade, or a mistake on a project.
So it doesn't help that this week has been laced with failure and its immanency. I didn't make the deadline for the music school I wanted to apply to, and my heart has now settled into my stomach for the foreseeable future. I tell myself almost daily, 'You should have never joined that show (The Yellow Boat). If you hadn't, you'd have finished on time.'
There are other deadlines I'm struggling to meet, and once again, it feels like everything is falling through the cracks. I'm trying to keep it all together with a smile and hope, but both of those are slowly failing.

I want to be happy. Is that too much to ask?