I am determined to do something this summer. Unfortunately for me, living in Arizona means whatever something I do, has to be done in an air-conditioned place.
So far, I've been passing the 16 hours I'm awake on the computer. I'm tired of just sitting around all day. I want to start working out, but that has to wait until I can find a nearby (affordable) gym.
I always start counting down the days until summer about 40 days out, always anxiously awaiting the last day. Then, during summer, I ask myself why. Why would I rather be sitting at home, doing nothing, than be at school with classes to fill my day?
My plan during the summer has always been to revamp my look and how I take care of myself, and that goal remains the same this summer. Hopefully I'll be getting a job soon: my number one goal of the summer is to get a whole new wardrobe for under 300 dollars.
That's my biggest concern: getting a job. I need to save up enough money to live on-campus. It would be so much nicer than having to commute every day.
Let's see if I can actually make this summer worth something.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Comfortable
If I ever wasn't anything, comfortable was it.
And I don't mean materialistically, either. Though, that did fit for a time.
What I mean is that from the time I was a child, it was instilled in me that the world is a dangerous place. I have my mother to thank for this, though she did it unintentionally. I know every mother wants to protect their child(ren), but my mother took it to the extreme.
My sister and I began staying at home by ourselves when we were just eight and nine years old. Don't gasp and recoil in horror. We didn't burn the place down or have a seance. We did almost kill each other nearly every day, but that's a different story.
What we didn't do was play with friends. Because my mother forbade us to leave the apartment. My sister and I weren't even allowed to cross the street to get the mail, or open the door to let our friends know why we couldn't come out.
When we were older (11-13 & 12-14), my mom, sister, and I lived in a little house with a huge backyard. There was nothing in this backyard, and the only way to get to it was to go out the front door, around to the side of the house, and through a gate.
Did I ever make that trip? Not hardly. Once again, my sister and I were forbidden to leave the house. Every single day for five summers was spent inside.
Later, when my mom granted my sister and I even more freedom, the fear had been installed in us that someone was going to kidnap us as we walked down the street. If I was walking to my friend's house, I had to text or call my mom as soon as I got there.
I was afraid of any approaching person or car. And when my friend and I would walk around at night, I nearly had a heart attack out of fear.
This also affected me at home. Being alone late at night would equal all lights being on, every door locked, and every door to a dark room tightly closed. And walking around in the dark? Forget about it.
I was terrified of my home, my surroundings. Terrified. Nobody should be that afraid of what's around them.
Then, suddenly, I wasn't anymore. Without even realizing it, I could walk home without being afraid that someone was going to snatch me up, or shoot me. Tonight, I walked through my house in the dark, cleaning up quietly to not disturb those sleeping. I'm still working on the whole 'being alone thing', but it's getting there.
My point is, though, that I am finally comfortable with where I am and being there alone. Because someone may be only a scream away, but until that scream comes, I'm alone. Yes, I may be walking down one of the busiest streets in town, but nobody knows who I am. Walking somewhere, being home, or up late at night, I'm alone.
Something I'm finally comfortable with.
P.S. I decided I won't be posting about my vacation on here. It's just too much to ever condense into words.
And I don't mean materialistically, either. Though, that did fit for a time.
What I mean is that from the time I was a child, it was instilled in me that the world is a dangerous place. I have my mother to thank for this, though she did it unintentionally. I know every mother wants to protect their child(ren), but my mother took it to the extreme.
My sister and I began staying at home by ourselves when we were just eight and nine years old. Don't gasp and recoil in horror. We didn't burn the place down or have a seance. We did almost kill each other nearly every day, but that's a different story.
What we didn't do was play with friends. Because my mother forbade us to leave the apartment. My sister and I weren't even allowed to cross the street to get the mail, or open the door to let our friends know why we couldn't come out.
When we were older (11-13 & 12-14), my mom, sister, and I lived in a little house with a huge backyard. There was nothing in this backyard, and the only way to get to it was to go out the front door, around to the side of the house, and through a gate.
Did I ever make that trip? Not hardly. Once again, my sister and I were forbidden to leave the house. Every single day for five summers was spent inside.
Later, when my mom granted my sister and I even more freedom, the fear had been installed in us that someone was going to kidnap us as we walked down the street. If I was walking to my friend's house, I had to text or call my mom as soon as I got there.
I was afraid of any approaching person or car. And when my friend and I would walk around at night, I nearly had a heart attack out of fear.
This also affected me at home. Being alone late at night would equal all lights being on, every door locked, and every door to a dark room tightly closed. And walking around in the dark? Forget about it.
I was terrified of my home, my surroundings. Terrified. Nobody should be that afraid of what's around them.
Then, suddenly, I wasn't anymore. Without even realizing it, I could walk home without being afraid that someone was going to snatch me up, or shoot me. Tonight, I walked through my house in the dark, cleaning up quietly to not disturb those sleeping. I'm still working on the whole 'being alone thing', but it's getting there.
My point is, though, that I am finally comfortable with where I am and being there alone. Because someone may be only a scream away, but until that scream comes, I'm alone. Yes, I may be walking down one of the busiest streets in town, but nobody knows who I am. Walking somewhere, being home, or up late at night, I'm alone.
Something I'm finally comfortable with.
P.S. I decided I won't be posting about my vacation on here. It's just too much to ever condense into words.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Summer
It's officially been summer for three weeks now, which is crazy. Leaving for vacation (posts on that later...maybe) the morning after school ended threw me for a loop. The almost two weeks I was gone didn't really seem like they took place in summer.
Unfortunately, the summer hasn't started (meaning once I got back from vacation) how I was planning. I applied to well over 15 locations for a job and I haven't gotten one single, "Hi, we'd like to interview you on...' email. Not one, which is very frustrating. I need a job so I can afford to live on campus next year.
Not to mention, I'm stressing because my counselor completely screwed up my schedule for next year. I had it all worked out with another counselor, who is incredibly nice and unfortunately not mine. Then, my counselor came in and messed it all up. She absolutely will not put me in a freshman level class because "it'll look funny". I don't care if it looks funny, a senior taking a freshman class. I know several people who have done it, including my friend who will be in there with me next year.
Anyway, I just really took a moment to think about it, and I complain a lot on here. I should try and write more positive entries.
Love, Ellie.
Unfortunately, the summer hasn't started (meaning once I got back from vacation) how I was planning. I applied to well over 15 locations for a job and I haven't gotten one single, "Hi, we'd like to interview you on...' email. Not one, which is very frustrating. I need a job so I can afford to live on campus next year.
Not to mention, I'm stressing because my counselor completely screwed up my schedule for next year. I had it all worked out with another counselor, who is incredibly nice and unfortunately not mine. Then, my counselor came in and messed it all up. She absolutely will not put me in a freshman level class because "it'll look funny". I don't care if it looks funny, a senior taking a freshman class. I know several people who have done it, including my friend who will be in there with me next year.
Anyway, I just really took a moment to think about it, and I complain a lot on here. I should try and write more positive entries.
Love, Ellie.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Squealing Pigs
Frustrated would be the number one way to describe how I felt today. It was one of those days when people made me feel like everything I said was utterly stupid, and I may have lost one of my favorite books. But that last part isn't important.
The main cause of my frustration - or should I say, main place - was choir. The week and a half or so before a concert is always stressful and a lot of people are on edge. I was really irritated, as I stated before, because the way people (well, mostly one person) were making me feel. To the point where choir was actually pretty unenjoyable today.
But then, I got over it. Even though I was really hurt, I still love those people with all my heart. And I love choir. I'm inifinitely grateful to be back, and I try to reflect that in all I say and do. It's really quite amazing, though. I am one to hold a grudge, unfortunately, and if someone hurts me, it takes me a while to get over it. Not with these people. Not with this person. I am a completely different person with them and I love it. We've all been changed by our experience in choir, and definitely for the better.
Music makes me happy. Inspires me to be a better person and do great things. Lead a great life. So do these people. I love them all too much to ever stay mad or frustrated at them.
Love, Ellie
P.S. The title is a song by Admiral Fallow. Go listen to it.
The main cause of my frustration - or should I say, main place - was choir. The week and a half or so before a concert is always stressful and a lot of people are on edge. I was really irritated, as I stated before, because the way people (well, mostly one person) were making me feel. To the point where choir was actually pretty unenjoyable today.
But then, I got over it. Even though I was really hurt, I still love those people with all my heart. And I love choir. I'm inifinitely grateful to be back, and I try to reflect that in all I say and do. It's really quite amazing, though. I am one to hold a grudge, unfortunately, and if someone hurts me, it takes me a while to get over it. Not with these people. Not with this person. I am a completely different person with them and I love it. We've all been changed by our experience in choir, and definitely for the better.
Music makes me happy. Inspires me to be a better person and do great things. Lead a great life. So do these people. I love them all too much to ever stay mad or frustrated at them.
Love, Ellie
P.S. The title is a song by Admiral Fallow. Go listen to it.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Fam Bam
I have always been a fan of the expression 'fam bam'. It rhymes and has to do with family. And it sounds more interesting than saying family. But I was curious as to what fam bam really meant, so I did what any logical person would do, and popped on over to urbandictionary.com. And I was told...Fam Bam: Family Always Means Backing All Members.
Pretty nice definition, acronym, whatever you want to call it. That, however, got me thinking. Does fam bam have to mean family that is related to you?
I don't think so.
I don't think so.
I think, just like family has been expanded to include people you love and can't live without, fam bam can be, too. My choir is my fam bam. None of us are related, yet we support each other with such ferocity. We protect each other and stand up for each other and we see each other more than we see most of our friends during the day. And, we have a home, too. A place to belong.
My family is my fam bam, too. We love each other, despite our grievances and short-comings and I look forward to every moment I get to spend with my family. There is nothing like being around people who have known you since you were three days old, people who share the same DNA, accents, and other similarities. There is something to be said for blood family, a connection that does not have to be made, but simply is.
Fam bam. Family Always Means Backing Any Member.
I love my fam bam.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Going Down a New Road
The past two days have been days of changing directions. Pain has come that I wish I could avoid, but I have to deal with my decisions. It's going to be difficult, but I'm determined to stay on this path I have created. The poem by Robert Frost comes to mind. I'd come to a fork in the road, and I chose the harder path, the road less taken. I can see the other path running nearly parallel to my new one, and there are some amazing moments on that path, the path of my past. Those are the moments I'm going to have to let go of, to not forget, but accept that those moments will not come again.
This new road is a road of moments I will never regret having. I have several people traveling this road with me: my two best friends in particular. This road is taking me towards maturing and experiencing the next chapter of life. That next chapter of life begins tonight, as I start my journey towards college through voice lessons. I am happy to be travelling down this new road and excited to see what comes.
I know that I'll have moments where I wish I could be back on my old path, when certain dates pass, or a memory is sparked. But that is not my path anymore. Perhaps one day, in the future, I will see these two paths meet in some ways. Positive ways only, though. The negativity of my old path will no longer affect me. I am a new person.
I am going down a new road.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
New Layout
It dawned on me the other day that my blog was in need of a facelift. Well, in need of a color-lift is more like it. My previous backround was too dark and dreary, and with spring now here, I felt that when I (or anyone else) meander on over to my page, a nice, bright page ought to be the greeting. I hope you like it!
Love, Ellie
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