Squealing Pigs

Frustrated would be the number one way to describe how I felt today. It was one of those days when people made me feel like everything I said was utterly stupid, and I may have lost one of my favorite books. But that last part isn't important.

The main cause of my frustration - or should I say, main place - was choir. The week and a half or so before a concert is always stressful and a lot of people are on edge. I was really irritated, as I stated before, because the way people (well, mostly one person) were making me feel. To the point where choir was actually pretty unenjoyable today.

But then, I got over it. Even though I was really hurt, I still love those people with all my heart. And I love choir. I'm inifinitely grateful to be back, and I try to reflect that in all I say and do. It's really quite amazing, though. I am one to hold a grudge, unfortunately, and if someone hurts me, it takes me a while to get over it. Not with these people. Not with this person. I am a completely different person with them and I love it. We've all been changed by our experience in choir, and definitely for the better.

Music makes me happy. Inspires me to be a better person and do great things. Lead a great life. So do these people. I love them all too much to ever stay mad or frustrated at them.

Love, Ellie

P.S. The title is a song by Admiral Fallow. Go listen to it.

Fam Bam

I have always been a fan of the expression 'fam bam'. It rhymes and has to do with family. And it sounds more interesting than saying family. But I was curious as to what fam bam really meant, so I did what any logical person would do, and popped on over to urbandictionary.com. And I was told...
Fam Bam: Family Always Means Backing All Members.

Pretty nice definition, acronym, whatever you want to call it. That, however, got me thinking. Does fam bam have to mean family that is related to you?
I don't think so.

I think, just like family has been expanded to include people you love and can't live without, fam bam can be, too. My choir is my fam bam. None of us are related, yet we support each other with such ferocity. We protect each other and stand up for each other and we see each other more than we see most of our friends during the day. And, we have a home, too. A place to belong.

My family is my fam bam, too. We love each other, despite our grievances and short-comings and I look forward to every moment I get to spend with my family. There is nothing like being around people who have known you since you were three days old, people who share the same DNA, accents, and other similarities. There is something to be said for blood family, a connection that does not have to be made, but simply is.

Fam bam. Family Always Means Backing Any Member.

I love my fam bam.

Going Down a New Road

The past two days have been days of changing directions. Pain has come that I wish I could avoid, but I have to deal with my decisions. It's going to be difficult, but I'm determined to stay on this path I have created. The poem by Robert Frost comes to mind. I'd come to a fork in the road, and I chose the harder path, the road less taken. I can see the other path running nearly parallel to my new one, and there are some amazing moments on that path, the path of my past. Those are the moments I'm going to have to let go of, to not forget, but accept that those moments will not come again.

This new road is a road of moments I will never regret having. I have several people traveling this road with me: my two best friends in particular. This road is taking me towards maturing and experiencing the next chapter of life. That next chapter of life begins tonight, as I start my journey towards college through voice lessons. I am happy to be travelling down this new road and excited to see what comes.

I know that I'll have moments where I wish I could be back on my old path, when certain dates pass, or a memory is sparked. But that is not my path anymore. Perhaps one day, in the future, I will see these two paths meet in some ways. Positive ways only, though. The negativity of my old path will no longer affect me. I am a new person.

I am going down a new road.

New Layout

It dawned on me the other day that my blog was in need of a facelift. Well, in need of a color-lift is more like it. My previous backround was too dark and dreary, and with spring now here, I felt that when I (or anyone else) meander on over to my page, a nice, bright page ought to be the greeting. I hope you like it!

Love, Ellie

40 Days and Counting

It puzzles me that here I am, once again counting down the days until summer vacation. Time passes so quickly without even realizing it. But that's not what puzzles me. It's the fact that even though I'm looking forward to summer vacation and being a senior, I'm not looking forward to leave choir for three months or, with every event next year, thinking to myself, "This is the last time I'll do this." So why do I continue to count down the days until that comes? It's conflicting. I love family, I love summer, and freedom. But I love choir, too. It's my home away from home. We joke in my class that VE kids spend more time in the choir room than we do at home. It's nice, though, to be surrounded by like-minded people. I can't say that, when the time comes, I'll miss it, because I'll never be without it. Even when I go off to college, I'll be with people who are musically inclined like me, then I'll be a choir teacher and continue to be with those who think like I do. It's comforting, but I still do not look forward to the end of the school year. 39 days tomorrow.

I Want

A friend's photo inspired me to do this blog, so here I go. Hopefully in a few years, I'll be able to look back and see what I actually got.

What I want....

I want to spend less time doing pointless things and more time studying, reading, or spending time with friends.
I want to be more organized when it comes to school.
I want to make the most of the last year I have at school.
I want to graduate with a full ride to the college of my dreams.
I want to go to college, unafraid of what lies ahead.
I want to fulfill my hunger to know everything when it comes to music.
I want to walk away from college, diploma in hand and be sure of myself in what I'm doing.
I want to teach high school choir.
I want to be even just half the teacher my director is and I'll consider myself a success.

I want to find someone who takes an interest in me.
I want a man who is strong in his faith and will encourage me to be strong in mine.
I want a man who understands that I am perfectly comfortable lounging on the couch playing video games, but also comfortable dressed to the nines for the world premiere of a musical.
I want a man who will never make me question where I stand with him.
I want a man who believes that he is the head of the household, as I do, but also realizes that I am equally important.
I want a man who will stick around to be my children's father.
I want a man who isn't afraid to cry or show emotion.
I want a man who will understand me when words fail.
I want a man who knows that when I'm angry at him, I just want him to hug me and tell me he loves me.
I want a man who will never judge me and will always be by my side.

I want to grow in my relationship with God.
I want to read my Bible every day, and hopefully the whole way through in one year.
I want to see God in everything I do.
I want people to look at me and know undeniably that I am a follower of Christ.
I want a church that supports what I believe and where I feel like I belong.
I want to raise my children so that they can never deny that God exists.

I want to start eating healthy, working out, and treating my body the way it should be treated.
I want to be more confident in who I am and not care what others think.
I want to not be afraid to defend myself.
I want to be more eloquent.
I want a lifetime of music.
I want a lifetime of love.
I want to be everything God created me to be and have everything he created for me to have.
I want to live an amazing life.

I want, at the end of my life to say, "This is my life. I have found it worth living."

Ramblings

I don't know what I'm going to write about. I just feel like writing. I got my permit today. I'm so relieved I don't have to worry about it anymore. No more studying or wondering when I can go take the test again. I'm not going to pretend anymore. I'm going to be myself 100% and not worry about what anyone says. Why do some people get married fresh out of college and it lasts, while others are in their late 20's to early 30's and still unlucky in love? I don't know. I've got a lot of thoughts rolling through my head. I want some answers. I have questions I've kept in my head my whole life, and it's about time they came out. I look in the mirror and I don't even know all of who I am. I apparently look more like my father's side of the family, but how am I to know when I've never even met my father? I want to know if I've got his jaw, or his mom's nose, or if I'm the spitting image of a sister or cousin. I want to know where I came from. I'm just so tired of being half a person with half a family. I know that my father wasn't a good person, but he's still my father and part of who I am. There's an entire part of myself I may never know and I can't deal with that. I need to know. I need closure. I want to look in the mirror and see me. It's too hard, going through life like this. I can't even explain what I'm feeling right now, and writing is my strong suit. I just need to know.