Time

It's been nearly two months since I've posted on here and all I can say is: I've missed it! I have no idea if anyone is actually reading this here blog, but it's a means of expressing myself, so I'm keeping on going.

School started up again: my senior year. I honestly have to say, though, that I don't feel like it's my last year. I feel like I've been going to high school forever, and that I will be going forever. And in a way, I will be, what with becoming a high school teacher. But it won't be my high school.
Even though it feels like I'm never going to leave, in the back of my mind, that fact is always there. I'm leaving. Unlike in the past, where I've hated leaving with every fiber of my being, I now cherish every moment I have. The years past, I've hated waking up on Mondays and having a whole week of school ahead of me, hated waking up at 6:30 in the morning. Now, I'm up at 6 on the dot every day (and believe me when I say that is extraordinary for me) and Mondays are my favorite day, while Fridays are my least.
Ever since I was a child, I've always loved school. But I loved the 'seeing my friends and lunch and recess' parts of it. And as I got older, the 'having choir every single day' part. This year, I love the 'sitting in class and learning and being in this environment'. I've never been so happy to be in school.

Outside of the whole school situation, it's like my life was a puzzle all nice and put together, and then someone took it, threw all the pieces up in the air, and they're all over the place now. Some are still up in the air, some have landed facedown, others are just gone. I moved back with my mom, whom I haven't lived with for two and a half years. It's a tiny, two-bedroom apartment with my 19-year-old sister and I in one room. Sticking two adults (legally speaking, and literally, one and an almost) in one small bedroom? Not a good idea.
My future is up in the air now, too, and I have honestly no idea what's going to happen. I'm trying to put my faith in God, but it's difficult. I don't like not knowing what's going to happen or what I'm going to do - ever. Thus, you can often find me planning in June my birthday party in January.
But whatever happens, I know it's the exact path I'm meant to go down. My number one wish in life is not extravagant. I simply want my children to have a better life than I did. A secure, happy life. As long as I reach that goal, I will be happy for the rest of my life.

When I started this blog, it was a means of documenting the twists and turns of my life, good and bad. Right now, I'm going through the bad. But I know undoubtedly that the good will come again, for it always does.

As I like to say, with love and the everlasting hope of a better tomorrow,
Ellie

Knock and He'll Answer!

Except, I haven't been knocking. I have been pounding, banging, and kicking. Pleading. All for a job. As I said in my last post, I need a job so I can save up money to live on campus.

On Thursday, my sister came over to print off a job application and a few hours later, she called me to let me know that she had an interview the next day. To say I was upset would be an understatement.
Why? Oh, maybe because she already HAS a job. I spoke aloud my displeasement and she replied that she was only working two days this week. That's more than I'm working, I replied.

My mom was hounding me because she said that I have to go out if I want a job. Pretty much all job applications are online nowadays, and I'd already applied to plenty of jobs. No to mention, I was filling out an application for a janitorial position at my church and at a local hardware store with the hours of 4-9am. I was that desperate for a job.
Sufficiently pissed that my mom was giving me such a hard time, I finally agreed to go around town with my sister the next day (Friday) to look for jobs.
To make a long story short....I GOT A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I really, truly got a JOB!! Thank you, God!
Immediately afterwards, I went out and got work shoes and socks.

But in all reality, I'm so afraid this isn't going to last. That they're going to change their minds and not hire me. I desperately need to keep this job. I don't care how pathetic I sound by saying that. Just please, God. Let this last.

On another note, I went to the orthopedist on Wednesday. He confirmed that my left leg is nearly one inch shorter than the other (just 0.545cm away). I now have a whole process I have to go through to try and alleviate the pain it causes on my knees, hips, and back. This process includes wearing shoe lifts. That makes me kind of sad.
Though, the doctor did mention something about muscle retraining, so hopefully there is some other way to correct it. Having Limb Length Discrepancy can also cause TMJ (which I do have), and I'm hoping that it will get better through the work I'm doing.

Enough prattling on. Again, thank you God!

Love, Ellie

Summer Boredom Blues

I am determined to do something this summer. Unfortunately for me, living in Arizona means whatever something I do, has to be done in an air-conditioned place.
So far, I've been passing the 16 hours I'm awake on the computer. I'm tired of just sitting around all day. I want to start working out, but that has to wait until I can find a nearby (affordable) gym.
I always start counting down the days until summer about 40 days out, always anxiously awaiting the last day. Then, during summer, I ask myself why. Why would I rather be sitting at home, doing nothing, than be at school with classes to fill my day?
My plan during the summer has always been to revamp my look and how I take care of myself, and that goal remains the same this summer. Hopefully I'll be getting a job soon: my number one goal of the summer is to get a whole new wardrobe for under 300 dollars.
That's my biggest concern: getting a job. I need to save up enough money to live on-campus. It would be so much nicer than having to commute every day.

Let's see if I can actually make this summer worth something.

Comfortable

If I ever wasn't anything, comfortable was it.
And I don't mean materialistically, either. Though, that did fit for a time.

What I mean is that from the time I was a child, it was instilled in me that the world is a dangerous place. I have my mother to thank for this, though she did it unintentionally. I know every mother wants to protect their child(ren), but my mother took it to the extreme.
My sister and I began staying at home by ourselves when we were just eight and nine years old. Don't gasp and recoil in horror. We didn't burn the place down or have a seance. We did almost kill each other nearly every day, but that's a different story.
What we didn't do was play with friends. Because my mother forbade us to leave the apartment. My sister and I weren't even allowed to cross the street to get the mail, or open the door to let our friends know why we couldn't come out.

When we were older (11-13 & 12-14), my mom, sister, and I lived in a little house with a huge backyard. There was nothing in this backyard, and the only way to get to it was to go out the front door, around to the side of the house, and through a gate.
Did I ever make that trip? Not hardly. Once again, my sister and I were forbidden to leave the house. Every single day for five summers was spent inside.
Later, when my mom granted my sister and I even more freedom, the fear had been installed in us that someone was going to kidnap us as we walked down the street. If I was walking to my friend's house, I had to text or call my mom as soon as I got there.
I was afraid of any approaching person or car. And when my friend and I would walk around at night, I nearly had a heart attack out of fear.
This also affected me at home. Being alone late at night would equal all lights being on, every door locked, and every door to a dark room tightly closed. And walking around in the dark? Forget about it.
I was terrified of my home, my surroundings. Terrified. Nobody should be that afraid of what's around them.

Then, suddenly, I wasn't anymore. Without even realizing it, I could walk home without being afraid that someone was going to snatch me up, or shoot me. Tonight, I walked through my house in the dark, cleaning up quietly to not disturb those sleeping. I'm still working on the whole 'being alone thing', but it's getting there.
My point is, though, that I am finally comfortable with where I am and being there alone. Because someone may be only a scream away, but until that scream comes, I'm alone. Yes, I may be walking down one of the busiest streets in town, but nobody knows who I am. Walking somewhere, being home, or up late at night, I'm alone.

Something I'm finally comfortable with.

P.S. I decided I won't be posting about my vacation on here. It's just too much to ever condense into words.

Summer

It's officially been summer for three weeks now, which is crazy. Leaving for vacation (posts on that later...maybe) the morning after school ended threw me for a loop. The almost two weeks I was gone didn't really seem like they took place in summer.
Unfortunately, the summer hasn't started (meaning once I got back from vacation) how I was planning. I applied to well over 15 locations for a job and I haven't gotten one single, "Hi, we'd like to interview you on...' email. Not one, which is very frustrating. I need a job so I can afford to live on campus next year.
Not to mention, I'm stressing because my counselor completely screwed up my schedule for next year. I had it all worked out with another counselor, who is incredibly nice and unfortunately not mine. Then, my counselor came in and messed it all up. She absolutely will not put me in a freshman level class because "it'll look funny". I don't care if it looks funny, a senior taking a freshman class. I know several people who have done it, including my friend who will be in there with me next year.
Anyway, I just really took a moment to think about it, and I complain a lot on here. I should try and write more positive entries.

Love, Ellie.

Squealing Pigs

Frustrated would be the number one way to describe how I felt today. It was one of those days when people made me feel like everything I said was utterly stupid, and I may have lost one of my favorite books. But that last part isn't important.

The main cause of my frustration - or should I say, main place - was choir. The week and a half or so before a concert is always stressful and a lot of people are on edge. I was really irritated, as I stated before, because the way people (well, mostly one person) were making me feel. To the point where choir was actually pretty unenjoyable today.

But then, I got over it. Even though I was really hurt, I still love those people with all my heart. And I love choir. I'm inifinitely grateful to be back, and I try to reflect that in all I say and do. It's really quite amazing, though. I am one to hold a grudge, unfortunately, and if someone hurts me, it takes me a while to get over it. Not with these people. Not with this person. I am a completely different person with them and I love it. We've all been changed by our experience in choir, and definitely for the better.

Music makes me happy. Inspires me to be a better person and do great things. Lead a great life. So do these people. I love them all too much to ever stay mad or frustrated at them.

Love, Ellie

P.S. The title is a song by Admiral Fallow. Go listen to it.

Fam Bam

I have always been a fan of the expression 'fam bam'. It rhymes and has to do with family. And it sounds more interesting than saying family. But I was curious as to what fam bam really meant, so I did what any logical person would do, and popped on over to urbandictionary.com. And I was told...
Fam Bam: Family Always Means Backing All Members.

Pretty nice definition, acronym, whatever you want to call it. That, however, got me thinking. Does fam bam have to mean family that is related to you?
I don't think so.

I think, just like family has been expanded to include people you love and can't live without, fam bam can be, too. My choir is my fam bam. None of us are related, yet we support each other with such ferocity. We protect each other and stand up for each other and we see each other more than we see most of our friends during the day. And, we have a home, too. A place to belong.

My family is my fam bam, too. We love each other, despite our grievances and short-comings and I look forward to every moment I get to spend with my family. There is nothing like being around people who have known you since you were three days old, people who share the same DNA, accents, and other similarities. There is something to be said for blood family, a connection that does not have to be made, but simply is.

Fam bam. Family Always Means Backing Any Member.

I love my fam bam.