I Want

A friend's photo inspired me to do this blog, so here I go. Hopefully in a few years, I'll be able to look back and see what I actually got.

What I want....

I want to spend less time doing pointless things and more time studying, reading, or spending time with friends.
I want to be more organized when it comes to school.
I want to make the most of the last year I have at school.
I want to graduate with a full ride to the college of my dreams.
I want to go to college, unafraid of what lies ahead.
I want to fulfill my hunger to know everything when it comes to music.
I want to walk away from college, diploma in hand and be sure of myself in what I'm doing.
I want to teach high school choir.
I want to be even just half the teacher my director is and I'll consider myself a success.

I want to find someone who takes an interest in me.
I want a man who is strong in his faith and will encourage me to be strong in mine.
I want a man who understands that I am perfectly comfortable lounging on the couch playing video games, but also comfortable dressed to the nines for the world premiere of a musical.
I want a man who will never make me question where I stand with him.
I want a man who believes that he is the head of the household, as I do, but also realizes that I am equally important.
I want a man who will stick around to be my children's father.
I want a man who isn't afraid to cry or show emotion.
I want a man who will understand me when words fail.
I want a man who knows that when I'm angry at him, I just want him to hug me and tell me he loves me.
I want a man who will never judge me and will always be by my side.

I want to grow in my relationship with God.
I want to read my Bible every day, and hopefully the whole way through in one year.
I want to see God in everything I do.
I want people to look at me and know undeniably that I am a follower of Christ.
I want a church that supports what I believe and where I feel like I belong.
I want to raise my children so that they can never deny that God exists.

I want to start eating healthy, working out, and treating my body the way it should be treated.
I want to be more confident in who I am and not care what others think.
I want to not be afraid to defend myself.
I want to be more eloquent.
I want a lifetime of music.
I want a lifetime of love.
I want to be everything God created me to be and have everything he created for me to have.
I want to live an amazing life.

I want, at the end of my life to say, "This is my life. I have found it worth living."

Ramblings

I don't know what I'm going to write about. I just feel like writing. I got my permit today. I'm so relieved I don't have to worry about it anymore. No more studying or wondering when I can go take the test again. I'm not going to pretend anymore. I'm going to be myself 100% and not worry about what anyone says. Why do some people get married fresh out of college and it lasts, while others are in their late 20's to early 30's and still unlucky in love? I don't know. I've got a lot of thoughts rolling through my head. I want some answers. I have questions I've kept in my head my whole life, and it's about time they came out. I look in the mirror and I don't even know all of who I am. I apparently look more like my father's side of the family, but how am I to know when I've never even met my father? I want to know if I've got his jaw, or his mom's nose, or if I'm the spitting image of a sister or cousin. I want to know where I came from. I'm just so tired of being half a person with half a family. I know that my father wasn't a good person, but he's still my father and part of who I am. There's an entire part of myself I may never know and I can't deal with that. I need to know. I need closure. I want to look in the mirror and see me. It's too hard, going through life like this. I can't even explain what I'm feeling right now, and writing is my strong suit. I just need to know.

Relationships

I just finished watching P.S. I Love You, sans tissues, and I found it to be quite an enjoyable movie. However, I didn't like the turn Holly Kennedy's life took when Jerry first died and when she began making shoes. She lost control of herself, and that is in no way appealing.
Lack of control was not what I didn't like most about the movie. What I disliked was the fact that with both Jerry and William Gallagher, Holly rushed headlong into being romantic with them. When she and Jerry kissed for the first time, she didn't even know his name! Then with William, Holly's not even a quarter drunk and she plants one on him. It seemed like Holly was a little desperate.
So I ask. Why do movies have to portray love like this? Two strangers meet on a train or at a bar (or in this case, on the road to Dun Laoghaire) and that night, they're sleeping together. This type of relationship is nearly always seen as working out perfectly, but in honest to goodness life, it doesn't. Relationships are built through getting to know someone, not rolling in the hay the first time you meet. In order for relationships to last, there has to be a good foundation.
Furthermore, when a guy and a girl meet, lust is too often mistaken for love. They sleep together, so that irreversible bond is there and the two just can't break up. The girl thinks she loves the guy because she's got his favorite cereal at her place and the guy thinks he loves the girl because she's got a drawer at his. That's not love.
Love is being friends first, and being willing to abstain from going any further because you want to get to know the person before you start dating them, not while you are. Love is taking it slow because love needs time to grow and develop as you spend more time with someone. Love is wanting to always be there for the person. Love is knowing everything about someone, not because you love them, but because you love them enough to care.

I know I won't see this kind of love in the movies any time soon because frankly, the greater population likes Holly's kind of love better. They're okay with kissing strangers and sleeping around, and casual (serial) dating. That makes me feel kind of sad, because I know that isn't true love.

My favorite part of P.S. I Love You? Watching the whole thing and only during the credits realizing Daniel was played by Harry Connick Jr.

Wishes

I wish I could be one of those girls who are always wearing the most stylish things and always look so amazingly put-together. The ones who are so into fashion and beauty and all that glamorous stuff.

But I can't. As much as I would like to.

Yearning- A Poem

I feel...like a bird in a cage.
It's a very lovely cage, but a cage nonetheless.

I look out, and see people

Who have what I will someday

I want those things

Here, now

I want what will be

To finally be

There's that whole spiel

About waiting and good things

I've waited a long

Time

I look at those

Who no longer

Have to wait

And I wonder

Are you appreciative of
All you have?

Or do you take for granted

What you've been blessed with?

Fly

I am a bird
Trapped here in my cage

Continually watching the world

Through the bars of my prison

The cage is lovely

As is the view

But my space grows smaller

With each and every day

The world I see

Stretched before me

Has so much to offer

I yearn, for just the smallest bit of freedom

My wings beat hopelessly

As I try to leave

Though it is for naught

And I settle to the bottom, defeated

I yearn for that day

When the door to my confines

Swings open and allows me a way out

Still, I will cautiously approach

Afraid of a cruel trick

And a slamming door

Just as I begin to spread my wings

Just as I begin to fly

Nothing Much

Right now, this entry has no purpose. But watch, and by the end, it will. It just happens that way.
Rehearsals for a play I'm in are starting up soon, so much of my time will be eaten up by that, and hopefully voice lessons. I've got exactly 10 months before I have to submit vocal auditions to the college I want to attend and that's kind of scary. I only get two tries to audition and it would be fantastic if I got in on the first try, like my director before me. But I have no idea what I want to sing or anything. There are some guidelines, though, as to the style.

The other day I was told by a fellow choir-member that another choir-member had called me a kiss-a** because I'm always talking with our director. Always puts it a bit on the heavy side, but I will say that she (meaning our director) and I do talk. She has helped me with problems before and sometimes we talk just to talk, like anyone does.
In my second hour, I spoke to another girl in Vocal Ensemble who was around the girl who called me a kiss-up when it happened. The following 'conversation' ensued.

Me: You know, it hurts me that the girls in VE think it's okay to talk crap about me. I never talk crap about anyone in VE.
Her: Who? They just think you're too involved.
Me: (Girl's name). But even last year, when everyone hated me. I still tried to be nice. And what do you mean?
Her: Because you always have ideas and you're always talking to (our director's name) and you always want to coordinate or do everything for VE.
Me: I can understand how someone can think I'm being a kiss-up (<--- that was a total lie, I don't understand). But I talk to her because she gives good advice. And everything I do is for you guys. That Xmas party? I worked on that party for well over 20 collective hours. And I find it funny, that coming from a girl who said I worked hard to include everyone.
Her: Yeah, that makes sense. It's just, I think people are jealous because they can't do what you do for us. I know I kind of am.
Me: Jealous? What?
Her: Yes, because you always have a cool idea, you always have the means to do something for us, you always have something to give, and you never want anything back.
Me: That's just me. And it's somewhat circumstance. But I'm just that type of person. I put others before me. If I can make you happy, that makes me happy.
Her: Yeah, I understand. To be honest, I used to talk about you and it gets less and less. I really don't anymore because I've accepted you.
Me: Well....thanks. But this isn't something to change about me. It's not like how you said I was stuck up last year. Selflessness isn't something to apologize for. You think maybe if I delegated in my ideas?
Her: Yeah, I think that would help with the jealousy issue, and you have to consider our ideas and add a couple, because when I tried to help you with the "Baby It's Cold Outside" dance, you didn't use any of my ideas.
Me: And I apologize for that. That's something I struggle with. Letting people help me or asking for help.
Her: Yeah, it's noticeable. I can help you with that if you want.
Me: Okay.

The fact that she said she "accepted" me really upset me because I know people who I don't accept their way of life or how they act, but I'm still kind and I don't talk down about them. And I find it ironic that the girl who called me a kiss-up was putting me down as I was in, talking to our director about an idea I had that would positively lift-up and encourage everyone in choir. After my friend told me I ought to delegate more, I talked with our director again that afternoon about how I could involve the girls in VE and she gave me a few ideas that were really good.

I just find it frustrating, though. Last year, everyone hated me because they thought I was weird because I was quiet and according to some, I acted stuck up. It was suggested to me that they thought I was stuck up because I didn't interact much with them. I didn't interact, not because I'm stuck up, but because I was shy and introverted. And awkward would be a good word, too. I didn't know where I fit in. Now, I talk more, I engage and interact, and do things for the girls in VE and they don't like me because of it. Is there no middle ground?!
Again, a very wise person told me that perhaps it is because they are skeptical. "There aren't many people like that in the world today," she said, and talked about how when somebody does something nice for someone else, that person's first reaction tends to be, "What's their ulterior motive?" And how you can say that you're doing it because you care and their reaction will still be, "But why?"
That's really hard to deal with. I forget who, but I heard someone say once that people tend to do nice things only because they're thinking of what they'll get out of it. In no way am I trying to put myself up on a pedestal, but that is not me. I do for others and expect nothing in return. Their happiness is enough. As I told my friend, everything I do for them is purely for them. I have no ulterior motive other than that I care. And some of it just happens to be things I like to do, like bake. On Monday, I'm going to bring a batch of cookies in for everyone just because I feel like baking. You know, I think that sums me up pretty well. I care. Like last year, when everyone thought I was weird because I didn't talk? I listened. I listened to what people said and took it in. My best friend told me it's strange the things I can remember, but that's because I care enough to do so.

Hopefully, when I go on to teach choir myself, my students will be more open and receptive to acts of kindness, not only from me, but from each other.

Newer Thoughts

1. I am now seventeen. It doesn't feel an inch different from sixteen.

2. Sometimes my laziness affects what's most important to me.

3. Music is pretty awesome (this isn't a new thought)

4. People do unexpected things.

5. There are some things in life I will never understand.

6. Prayer can bring about very good things.

7. This is just a moment.

8. Sometimes I think too much about the future.

9. I tell myself to act a certain way, then forget to.

10. It's not about priority. It's about importance.

11. Sometimes having three loves can be hard. Especially when you can only have two.

12. I get on my own nerves sometimes.

13. I don't want to be anything or anyone else.

14. I want to be a part of something big.

15. I wish I was closer to some people.

16. I am curious to see how this next year is.

17. There are changes to be made.

18. Going forward is possible if you're looking backwards.

19. I will never again take for granted what I have.

20. Words are powerful.

21. You can, without realizing it, hurt people you love.

22. I need to focus more.

23. Sometimes silence speaks loudest.

24. Walls are useless.

25. There will always be stupid people.

26. I don't care if someone hates me.

27. You can go without.

28. Spontaneity is much funner than planning.

29. But planning leads to unexpected things.

30. I didn't plan for this to be so long.

31. Ice cream can lead to tears. But it can stop them, too.

32. Essence isn't necessarily New Age-y.

33. You can't truly appreciate something unless you've lost it, then gained it back.

34. It is possible to look forward to one thing every single day.

35. You don't mature as you grow up. You grow up as you mature.

36. It's all about timing. And patience.

37. Sometimes, you have to make sacrifices.

38. God puts people in each other's lives right when they need each other most.

39. Family doesn't mean you're related.

40. Once around the piano, we are a family.

Love,
Ellie

P.S. I got a laptop for Christmas. It's pretty fantastic.