Nothing Much

Right now, this entry has no purpose. But watch, and by the end, it will. It just happens that way.
Rehearsals for a play I'm in are starting up soon, so much of my time will be eaten up by that, and hopefully voice lessons. I've got exactly 10 months before I have to submit vocal auditions to the college I want to attend and that's kind of scary. I only get two tries to audition and it would be fantastic if I got in on the first try, like my director before me. But I have no idea what I want to sing or anything. There are some guidelines, though, as to the style.

The other day I was told by a fellow choir-member that another choir-member had called me a kiss-a** because I'm always talking with our director. Always puts it a bit on the heavy side, but I will say that she (meaning our director) and I do talk. She has helped me with problems before and sometimes we talk just to talk, like anyone does.
In my second hour, I spoke to another girl in Vocal Ensemble who was around the girl who called me a kiss-up when it happened. The following 'conversation' ensued.

Me: You know, it hurts me that the girls in VE think it's okay to talk crap about me. I never talk crap about anyone in VE.
Her: Who? They just think you're too involved.
Me: (Girl's name). But even last year, when everyone hated me. I still tried to be nice. And what do you mean?
Her: Because you always have ideas and you're always talking to (our director's name) and you always want to coordinate or do everything for VE.
Me: I can understand how someone can think I'm being a kiss-up (<--- that was a total lie, I don't understand). But I talk to her because she gives good advice. And everything I do is for you guys. That Xmas party? I worked on that party for well over 20 collective hours. And I find it funny, that coming from a girl who said I worked hard to include everyone.
Her: Yeah, that makes sense. It's just, I think people are jealous because they can't do what you do for us. I know I kind of am.
Me: Jealous? What?
Her: Yes, because you always have a cool idea, you always have the means to do something for us, you always have something to give, and you never want anything back.
Me: That's just me. And it's somewhat circumstance. But I'm just that type of person. I put others before me. If I can make you happy, that makes me happy.
Her: Yeah, I understand. To be honest, I used to talk about you and it gets less and less. I really don't anymore because I've accepted you.
Me: Well....thanks. But this isn't something to change about me. It's not like how you said I was stuck up last year. Selflessness isn't something to apologize for. You think maybe if I delegated in my ideas?
Her: Yeah, I think that would help with the jealousy issue, and you have to consider our ideas and add a couple, because when I tried to help you with the "Baby It's Cold Outside" dance, you didn't use any of my ideas.
Me: And I apologize for that. That's something I struggle with. Letting people help me or asking for help.
Her: Yeah, it's noticeable. I can help you with that if you want.
Me: Okay.

The fact that she said she "accepted" me really upset me because I know people who I don't accept their way of life or how they act, but I'm still kind and I don't talk down about them. And I find it ironic that the girl who called me a kiss-up was putting me down as I was in, talking to our director about an idea I had that would positively lift-up and encourage everyone in choir. After my friend told me I ought to delegate more, I talked with our director again that afternoon about how I could involve the girls in VE and she gave me a few ideas that were really good.

I just find it frustrating, though. Last year, everyone hated me because they thought I was weird because I was quiet and according to some, I acted stuck up. It was suggested to me that they thought I was stuck up because I didn't interact much with them. I didn't interact, not because I'm stuck up, but because I was shy and introverted. And awkward would be a good word, too. I didn't know where I fit in. Now, I talk more, I engage and interact, and do things for the girls in VE and they don't like me because of it. Is there no middle ground?!
Again, a very wise person told me that perhaps it is because they are skeptical. "There aren't many people like that in the world today," she said, and talked about how when somebody does something nice for someone else, that person's first reaction tends to be, "What's their ulterior motive?" And how you can say that you're doing it because you care and their reaction will still be, "But why?"
That's really hard to deal with. I forget who, but I heard someone say once that people tend to do nice things only because they're thinking of what they'll get out of it. In no way am I trying to put myself up on a pedestal, but that is not me. I do for others and expect nothing in return. Their happiness is enough. As I told my friend, everything I do for them is purely for them. I have no ulterior motive other than that I care. And some of it just happens to be things I like to do, like bake. On Monday, I'm going to bring a batch of cookies in for everyone just because I feel like baking. You know, I think that sums me up pretty well. I care. Like last year, when everyone thought I was weird because I didn't talk? I listened. I listened to what people said and took it in. My best friend told me it's strange the things I can remember, but that's because I care enough to do so.

Hopefully, when I go on to teach choir myself, my students will be more open and receptive to acts of kindness, not only from me, but from each other.

Newer Thoughts

1. I am now seventeen. It doesn't feel an inch different from sixteen.

2. Sometimes my laziness affects what's most important to me.

3. Music is pretty awesome (this isn't a new thought)

4. People do unexpected things.

5. There are some things in life I will never understand.

6. Prayer can bring about very good things.

7. This is just a moment.

8. Sometimes I think too much about the future.

9. I tell myself to act a certain way, then forget to.

10. It's not about priority. It's about importance.

11. Sometimes having three loves can be hard. Especially when you can only have two.

12. I get on my own nerves sometimes.

13. I don't want to be anything or anyone else.

14. I want to be a part of something big.

15. I wish I was closer to some people.

16. I am curious to see how this next year is.

17. There are changes to be made.

18. Going forward is possible if you're looking backwards.

19. I will never again take for granted what I have.

20. Words are powerful.

21. You can, without realizing it, hurt people you love.

22. I need to focus more.

23. Sometimes silence speaks loudest.

24. Walls are useless.

25. There will always be stupid people.

26. I don't care if someone hates me.

27. You can go without.

28. Spontaneity is much funner than planning.

29. But planning leads to unexpected things.

30. I didn't plan for this to be so long.

31. Ice cream can lead to tears. But it can stop them, too.

32. Essence isn't necessarily New Age-y.

33. You can't truly appreciate something unless you've lost it, then gained it back.

34. It is possible to look forward to one thing every single day.

35. You don't mature as you grow up. You grow up as you mature.

36. It's all about timing. And patience.

37. Sometimes, you have to make sacrifices.

38. God puts people in each other's lives right when they need each other most.

39. Family doesn't mean you're related.

40. Once around the piano, we are a family.

Love,
Ellie

P.S. I got a laptop for Christmas. It's pretty fantastic.

Taking Things for Granted

Up until two weeks ago, I'd been guilty of taking my computer for granted. It was right there whenever I needed it; I could listen to music, chat with friends, and shop online, all in one place. I even occasionally became angry with my computer, blaming it for distracting me from homework and cleaning.
Then my computer died. I have been Facebook deprived for a long time and I haven't been able to talk to many of my friends. I thought I would solve the problem today by coming down to the library and get an hour's worth of Facebook and music. Turns out I was wrong.
You see, if you're musically inclined like me, if you haven't heard your favorite songs for two weeks and you think you'll finally be able to, you know the level of annoyance I feel at not being able to listen to just a few Mumford & Sons songs!
I've been begging my aunt to have someone come out and look at my crashed computer and she says she will, but God knows how long that will be.

I just want to hear some dang music!

Merry early Christmas everyone.

Love,
Ellie

A Bit of Time

So here it is: 2:06 am and I have time to write! But I'm not complaining because writing is writing, no matter where or when it occurs.

One thing that's been on my mind lately is how long I've lived in my current, well, abode. I moved to Arizona from Missouri three years ago the 11th, and that blows my mind away. If, when I was moving out here, someone would have told me exactly how my life would be right now, I would have laughed in their face.

Me, braces? A lavender room? Not possible.
But through God, all things are possible.

I suppose the biggest reason I am blown away with how many years I've been here is that this is-excluding my first three and 1/2 years of life-the longest time I have ever lived in one geographical area.
To show you what I mean, let me give you a list.

Birth-3&1/2: Grandma's house
3&1/2-5: 'B' Apartments
5-6: 'C' Apartments
6-8: Lake Viking
8-9: S&C's, 'C' Apartments
9: AZ (2 weeks)
9-11: 'C' Apartments
11: AZ (7 months)
11-13: A&R's, A&D's, 'L' Apartments, 'W' House
13-16: AZ, Aunt's, 'G' Apartments, 'F' Apartments, Aunt's

So in conclusion, I have moved a grand total of 17 times. The longest time I'd spent at one school was two years and eight months, and about halfway through my freshman year, it hit me.

I would graduate from the same high school I'd begun at.

I will never switch schools again, ever.
And that-to a girl who attended nine schools (five in one year alone)?

Is a wonderful feeling.

Until next time, all my love.

Long Time No Type

It's been nearly three months since I last posted on this blog. I have-on days-sat down with every intention of writing a blog (and I think I even have a few drafts from those days) and instead, have found myself caught up in doing something else.
I've been extremely busy, seeing as this school year is by far the most difficult, and as a result of the numerous activities I'm involved in. However, the theatre production I'm in is ending this week, which means I will have more time on my hands than I know what to do with!

Until I get a job, that is.

But until I do, if I have a free moment and if the Sims or Facebook doesn't distract me, I will sit down and update.

Until then, all my love.

School & Possibilities

Today marks halfway through the fourth week of my junior year and I am loving it. The days pass by so quickly, all of my classes are fun, full of friends, and really close together (which is fantastic), and I'm a part of Speech & Debate, Chess, and NHS.

It really amazes me how fast these past years have flown by, because I remember my first day of freshman year and thinking, 'I've got four years ahead of me to do everything I want'. I was genuinely looking forward to those four years, too. I had goals and expectations for myself and just had so many things planned out.

Then freshman year ended and I was no longer the bottom of the high school rank, but still an underclassman. Sophomore year went painstakingly slow, especially in the second semester, but like freshman year, it was suddenly over. Now, with many things I do, I think to myself, 'This year and the next. That's all you have.' And it's a sappy thing. It's sad because my high school expereince is half over, when it seemed just two short years ago that this day would never come; but it's also happy because I'm moving onto the next greatly anticipated phase of life- college.

So I'm trying to make the most out of my last two years of high school, joining clubs I never thought I'd join, like chess, and being more friendly and outgoing. I've gained many friends and gotten closer to more and I'm really excited to see what all of this will bring.



Now, the possibilities-well possibility-I'm talking about is the fact that I'm thinking of starting a vlog channel on YouTube. I'd call it 'The Life and Times of Ellie D.' and I'd just talk about what's going on in my life, maybe do some hauls, and then I'd have a section called 'Ask Me Mondays' where subscribers could email me questions such as 'Why is the sky blue?' or 'What is the name of Band of Horses' new album?' Just whatever they wanted to, so long as it was appropriate. I'd just have to figure out how to do everything, like upload and edit the video, since my computer is incredibly old.

I may be learning how to play the drums (!!!) and will hopefully be getting a job soon. I am excited for life!

My Speech

When Gary Best was speaking Tueday night, the words came into my head, "People should look at us and say, 'I want that'." And I don't mean who we are, like 'oh that guy is hot' or 'that girl', I mean who we are.
Who we are really has two sides, spiritual and secular. The spiritual is that we need to learn how to rely on God in times of trouble. Psalms 55:22 says "Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee." When we're going through tough times, we need to trust God and tell him we need his help, because he can do anything. However, it is also said that God helps them who helps themselves. While this isn't in the Bible, it serves as a good reminder that although we ought to rely on God to help us, we need to take ownership of our mistakes. If you've wronged somebody, pray to God that He will help mend the relationship, but also do your part and apologize to the person, try to make it up to them. If you've been wronged, pray to God that He'll give you an open heart to accept the apology of whomever wronged you.
Alongside this, if you're having difficulties in school, whether it be high school or college, pray to God that he'll give you a spirit of wisdom and knowledge to learn and recall information during tests. If you find yourself in a situation you don't want to be in, or find yourself in an emotion rut, pray to God to help you find a way out. Whatever your situation is, know that God is always there for you and He is ready and willing to lend a helping hand.

The other side of who we are is the secular side. Teenagers are the most judgmental age group because we look at someone and almost immediately find reasons not to like them. They're too tall, too short, their laugh is annoying, they're weird. Whatever it is, we are always quick to see the wrong in people. What's wrong with that is, we have the world's eyes. We judge, we gossip, put down, and persecute. As Christians, we need to have God's eyes. We ought to look at someone and see them as God's creation. He made them exactly as they are and we should love them. They are a child of God, and so are we. How we act towards someone is crucially important because often, people have bad opinions of Christians. We need to be a shining light of God's love and show people how Christians really are. Because you never know. You might be the only example of a Christian in someone's life, the only person who can teach them about Jesus and maybe give them that wonderful gift you already have, the gift of eternal life with Jesus Christ.

So as you're going about your days, in everything you do, try to be an example of God's love for us. I guarantee it will change things.