10 Things My Choir Director Taught Me

Ten Things My Choir Director Taught Me

1.      I need to be more easygoing.

Ms. E knew that, by nature, I am a serious person. I had (and still do sometimes) very definite ideas of when people should have fun and when they should be serious, especially during class. That serious nature was partly what caused me to be so quiet in the early years of choir and isolated me from the other kids in class. Inside, I’ve never wanted to be so serious – I felt like it was holding me back from who I ought to be, which is a fun-loving, happy person. But my desire for control and things being just so overtook that person I wanted to be, and kept me trapped inside this serious shell. Being around Ms. E every day for four years helped me break out of that shell. She has shown me the amazing balancing act between focus and fun, and that it’s more than possible to have both at the same time. Being in her class has taught me it’s okay to get off on tangents and that people don’t like someone who is serious all the time. I study people a lot, especially when it comes to reactions, and will often formulate my reaction around theirs. She has, time and time again, demonstrated the appropriate way to respond to situations, whether it be with frustration or happiness, anger or laughter.

2.      I can trust someone.

Growing up, I’ve never liked talking about my feelings. I didn’t even like experiencing them. I’d smother my emotions and refuse to share them with anybody until I exploded, usually in a fit of rage. The number one reason for this was because I hated feeling vulnerable and telling somebody how I felt meant putting myself in a vulnerable position. I was always terribly afraid that whatever I said would change forever how that person looked at me, how they saw me, and that they would judge me harshly. I never trusted anyone enough to let my walls down and be honest, whether it was with my feelings, my opinions, or whatever else it was I kept hidden inside me. I also worried that whatever I revealed about myself would one day be turned and used against me by people who called themselves my friends, but weren’t truly. But I just knew that Ms. E was someone I trust, be real with. Sure, there were times I completely laid my emotions out and I was scared to do so, but I did it because I knew she would never betray my trust. I finally had found someone I knew would never turn on me or use what I said against me, and I knew Ms. E would always be there. Because of this, I started to trust other people. I started letting my walls come down and sharing my ideas, opinions, and feelings. By doing so, I learned that it wasn’t just someone I could trust, it was so many more.

3.      I can keep going.

High school was very much a rollercoaster of ups and downs, good times and bad. Sometimes extremely bad times. Starting with the second half of sophomore year until right before my senior year, I struggled immensely with thoughts of suicide. Much of it had to do with life outside of school – certain members of my family constantly emotionally abused me, I was constantly being torn down, and I just could not deal with it. I was also heavily depressed during that time and the thought of not having to endure my life any longer seemed like a relief. But every time I thought about doing it or how I could do it, or even if I wasn’t thinking about suicide and my day had just been plain old rough, I always thought, “Tomorrow,” or “Monday.” All I had to do was wait a couple of hours or a couple of days and I’d be back in the choir room, where people built me up and I was happy.

4.      I am never alone.

Being a part of choir helped me learn that I will always have someone by my side. Even during my darkest days. When I was a sophomore, I didn’t have many friends and the girls in Vocal Ensemble made it very clear how much they disliked me. This was part of the reason why sophomore year was the worst year of my life. But even when the girls in VE didn’t like me, I knew that Ms. E was not like them. She was for me when everyone was against me, and constantly encouraged me. When I was told that I was weird for being so quiet, she told me that she liked how quiet I was. The girls who disliked me constantly brought up reasons as to why they treated me the way they did, and Ms. E was always quick to refute those reasons, quick to turn them from negatives to positives. Ms. E never let me stand by myself (figuratively speaking) and slowly, the girls (and eventually guys) in VE never let me stand by myself either.

5.      I don’t have to be sad.

It would take more than ten sets of hands to count the bad days that I’ve had in high school. I can think of several times I was reduced to tears at school, or almost wanted to cry. Days where I was just plain old sick and tired of life. On these kinds of days, Ms. E always tried to help in whatever way she could, many times listening to me vent and giving advice. Other times, I either didn’t want to talk, or didn’t have to- my emotions were just that evident. It was during these times that Ms. E simply tried to make us smile. I remember once, I and a couple other choir students were gathered in her office to receive our regionals scores and after seeing my very low score, I was upset almost to the point of tears. I was standing there, silent, angry, as another kid was over-animatedly telling a story of something that happened at regionals. Ms. E cut him off with a, “I know! I was there.” She glanced at me and in that second, we both burst out laughing.

“There’s a smile,” I remember her saying triumphantly.

More than once, when I was upset, Ms. E would just say something that was such a no-brainer that I just had to laugh. Sometimes, when the laughter passed and I was happy, I would chide myself, thinking, ‘No, you’re supposed to be sad. You’re supposed to be upset. So-and-so just hurt you.’ Then, I realized how foolish I was being. Why was I dwelling on my sadness, my hurt feelings, when a simple laugh could do away with all that? I was wrecking my own day by continuing to let the badness have its hold over me. Ms. E taught me that all it takes is a simple sentence or action to let the happiness in. She taught me that I can let the happiness in and that everything will be okay, even if just for a moment.

6.      I don’t have to only rely on myself.

As a type-A personality, I tend to be very rigid and inflexible when it comes to ideas and planning. I want to do everything myself because I know it will turn out exactly as it is in my head (and to me, the ideas in my head were always the best). I also learned early in life that if I wanted anything, I could only ever rely on myself to get it. I wanted to be in soccer freshman year and when my mom would not take me, I woke up at 5:30 every morning to walk the almost two miles to school in the dark, then walked back after four long hours of conditioning. I thought that nobody could be trusted because they would fail me in the end. However, being in choir changed that. I was suddenly surrounded by people who had fantastic ideas and wanted to help in any way they could. It took me a while to let these people and their ideas in, which unfortunately cost me, but when I did, I found myself suddenly without the burden of having to do all the planning myself. Ms. E taught me that I didn’t only have to rely on myself when it came to getting what I wanted. She quickly became my mentor and has been an invaluable help when it came to my getting into college. Ms. E helped me plan, plot, and dream. She responded to questions with surefire answers, or promised to find the answer if she couldn’t give it to me herself. Ms. E taught me that I no longer had to rely on myself to figure out how I was going to reach my goals because she was there with me every step of the way.

7.      I can do anything I want.

‘Please remember that you can do anything you want.’

‘I know you will become everything you aspire to be.’

My mother never spoke those words to me. Nobody ever spoke those words to me. The words they spoke to me were that I’d never be good enough, I’d never achieve me goals of becoming a choir teacher or a better piano player. And even if I was good? “It doesn’t mean you’re good enough. It just means you’re better than a bunch of kids at Glendale.”

Until now. Until those two sentence were written- one on a Star Card and the other in my yearbook. Until I was told that I was good enough, that I could reach my goals, that I could do whatever I set my mind to.

8.      I can’t stay mad at someone who’s given me so much.

When you’re around the same people every day, they’re bound to make you mad, no matter how much you love them. Such is the case with choir. There were days where Ms. E did make me mad. Looking back, I can’t even remember why, just that those days happened. I tend to hold grudges and have even once gone a week without speaking to a friend who made me angry. But not with Ms. E. Every time I was upset or mad, I told myself, “Get over yourself. You know how much she’s done for you. She’s listened to you gripe about your life and given you real, solid solutions. She’s supported you in pretty much everything you can think of and has been proud of you when you accomplished things. She is there for you.” And instantly, my anger was gone, replaced by gratitude. It’s taught me that, when I’m angry at someone, I don’t need to think of why they made me angry, I need to think of why they make me happy, the thing things I love about them. Dissipate anger with love, with gratitude. Anger is a natural feeling, but it’s not a good one, and Ms. E taught me that all it takes is a simple change in thinking.

9.      I haven’t learned everything I needed to learn.

I always planned on student teaching for Ms. E, ever since I decided I wanted to be a choir teacher. I thought to myself, “What better place than one I know and love to help me prepare for my own classroom?” I assuaged my fears that I would not be a good teacher or that I would not know everything I needed to know by reminding myself that I would get to spend a year with someone who was and did. I could observe from a different perspective and soak up more than I was able to as a student. I imagined the bond I would form with the students, entertaining them with stories of when I was a student there, and perhaps taking the occasional opportunity to lead them in warm-ups and rehearsals. The difference I would feel, being back at my high school, but not as a student there.

My student teaching for Ms. E came up from time to time in conversations over the next few years and she always seemed like she agreed with me coming back to student teach. But one day, when it came up, she said something she never had before.

“You don’t want to student teach for me.”

“Yeah, I do,” I replied.

“Nooo. Go get outside experience. You’ve already learned everything you can from me.”

That was the end of our conversation, partially because I shut down. I was upset, feeling rejected. Then, I thought back to two nights before when I’d been thinking about student teaching and a thought had suddenly popped into my head, “Maybe I should student teach somewhere else. Get outside experience.”

I don’t believe these two conversations, one with myself and one with Ms. E, were coincidences. Not at all. But I also don’t believe I’ve learned everything I can. Not necessarily having to do with music theory and such, because I know college will teach me that. Having to do with teaching effectively. Reaching my students so they understand what it is that I am trying to teach them- not just how to sing, read music, etc, but to be good people with passion and drive and heart. Letting them know that they can trust me and we can joke around and have fun sometimes. Showing them that the choir room is a place where they can get away from it all. There’s so much I wanted to learn during my year with the Cardinal Choirs again, more than I can accurately put into words.

But now, I’m (semi) okay with the fact of student teaching elsewhere. I think that it will give me perspective and new ideas. However, I do not think it will teach me what I want to learn. I don’t think student teaching anywhere will. I think it’s up to me to figure out exactly how to reach my students. I am not Ms. E, nor are her students like mine will be. I can emulate what I have seen her do in the classroom, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it will work in mine. I do hope that some of it does, because I’d like to believe that some methods are universal. Teaching, establishing my classroom, making it a haven and a home for my students is something I need to do in my own way, and in a way that is best for my future students. Someone once said, “There is one thing that truly defines love. Giving love to someone THEY want to receive it, not the way YOU want to give it.”

I think that is applicable to all aspects of teaching, learning, creating, laughing, and everything that goes into making my class and classroom a successful one. I have to know my students in order to reach them effectively. I know it’s going to involve trials and errors, successes and failures, but I’ll always keep evolving, improvising, and learning. For I don’t believe anyone ever stops learning or growing. I don’t believe they ever should. It is that constant changing, constant renewing and shifting of the mind that makes each phase of life as equally challenging, exciting, and invigorating as the one before it. Have I learned everything I need to learn? No. But I cannot learn through observation. I have to be taught through experience. And that, I believe is going to be one hell of an amazing experience.

10.  God puts two people in each other’s lives right when they need each other most.

I needed to learn all of this. I needed to be surrounded by the people I was to become the person I am. I may not ever know what I taught those around me, but I hope that I left an impact on their life like they made a lesson out of mine. Thank you, Ms. E for teaching me the things you have. Thank you for laying the foundation to my path.

I can take it from here.

I began this blog on June 5th, 2010. More than two years ago. While it hasn't received many views, it served as a sounding board for my thoughts. Its name came from a book by James Jordan, a book I thought would teach me something, but ultimately turned out to be a book that taught me nothing. Now, I am ending this blog. Come August, you can find me over at A Time and Place for Everything (http://timeandplaceforeverything.blogspot.com/). The title comes from a book in the works that has taught me everything.

See you there.

Love,

Elizabeth Del Debbio

Make Stuff Happen

I have to admit that lately, I've been struggling with fear. In fact, much of 2011 has been spent in fear. After I returned from vacation, I was cut-off - meaning I had to start paying for things myself. I feared that I wouldn't be able to do so, mostly because I didn't even have a job. Then I did get a job and the excitement was short lived, replaced by the fear that I wouldn't do well and replaced by my not wanting to go to work. Of course, that brought on the fear that I was lazy and I'd spend the rest of my life sitting on the couch, watching TV or something.

In fact, a lot of my fears were justified this year. I feared I would get kicked out of my aunt's house for a inane reason, and I did. I feared I wouldn't make it into the music school of my choice, and I didn't. And although I will apply again, my life is forever changed.

Now, I fear that I'm not taking the appropriate steps to get into college. Once again, I'm being lazy and avoiding filling out scholarships or calling the admissions office for help with switching my major and the like. And that scares me. I tell myself that if I don't do what I need to do, I won't be able to afford college, and yet that is not enough to spur me on.

My resolution for 2012, my mantra, is to make stuff happen. Make what I want to happen, happen. Which, if you think about it, pretty much covers any other resolution I could make. So while the resolution of 'make stuff happen' is rather broad, it keeps me from overloading with other resolutions and then becoming disappointed when I don't reach those resolutions, as happens every year. I'm keeping it simple and I'm striving to loosen my fearfulness of the world and what's in it.

Let's not see where 2012 takes us. Let's see where we take 2012.

Tinged

I have to admit that lately, I'm really struggling with being happy. I'm not in any sort of deep, depressed state, but it seems as though everything is tinged with sadness. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I do not take failure lightly. I don't like to fail (not that anyone does) and I take it very personally when I do. I will beat myself up for months for a bad grade, or a mistake on a project.

So it doesn't help that this week has been laced with failure and its immanency. I didn't make the deadline for the music school I wanted to apply to, and my heart has now settled into my stomach for the foreseeable future. I tell myself almost daily, 'You should have never joined that show (The Yellow Boat). If you hadn't, you'd have finished on time.'

There are other deadlines I'm struggling to meet, and once again, it feels like everything is falling through the cracks. I'm trying to keep it all together with a smile and hope, but both of those are slowly failing.

I want to be happy. Is that too much to ask?

Motherhood

My sister and I have a mutual friend who is married, 30, and gave birth to gorgeous twin girls about a month ago. Two weeks ago, I had the opportunity to hold one of the girls and my heart broke with happiness.
"This makes me want to have a baby of my own!" I said as I cuddled the absolutely tiny and adorable little being. Because I do. My age and lack of a spouse is the only thing stopping me. I've talked about how much I want kids in the past and I'll talk about it until the cows come home, because that's just me.

On Sunday, my sister saw our friend at church and also held one of the girls. Last night, she and I were talking about it, and she told me that all she could think about was how she just couldn't be a mother.
"It's so much sacrifice," Sarah said. "They're so much responsibility. Especially when they're that young. I mean, Micah (another friend's baby), I'm good with holding him because he's older."
"That just shows how different we are," I said. "Because all I could think was how much I want one."
Honestly, though, that's how it's always been. I've been the one drawn to babies and caring for younger kids. Every other Sunday for the past two-and-a-half years, I've volunteered in the two's classroom at my church. Before I moved to Arizona, I'd volunteered for about a year in the nursery at my old church. Even with my cousins, the difference between Sarah and I showed. Whenever we had a family gathering, I was the one playing with our younger cousins, while she usually spent time with the eldest.
Now, my sister is a self-centered person, and I don't mean that in a cutting or condescending way. She has goals, aspirations, and an idea of how she wants to live her life. A life that just doesn't include children. Because that's not who she is.
I believe women have it in them from the time they are young whether or not they're going to be mothers one day. It isn't like a switch flipped in Sarah on her 15th birthday and she decided she wasn't cut out for motherhood. No, we've always had our respective roles, and we always will.
I'm meant to be a mother, and whether it's to biological, foster, or adopted children, I will be happy. Children are a part of my dreams, my life, my being.

Time

It's been nearly two months since I've posted on here and all I can say is: I've missed it! I have no idea if anyone is actually reading this here blog, but it's a means of expressing myself, so I'm keeping on going.

School started up again: my senior year. I honestly have to say, though, that I don't feel like it's my last year. I feel like I've been going to high school forever, and that I will be going forever. And in a way, I will be, what with becoming a high school teacher. But it won't be my high school.
Even though it feels like I'm never going to leave, in the back of my mind, that fact is always there. I'm leaving. Unlike in the past, where I've hated leaving with every fiber of my being, I now cherish every moment I have. The years past, I've hated waking up on Mondays and having a whole week of school ahead of me, hated waking up at 6:30 in the morning. Now, I'm up at 6 on the dot every day (and believe me when I say that is extraordinary for me) and Mondays are my favorite day, while Fridays are my least.
Ever since I was a child, I've always loved school. But I loved the 'seeing my friends and lunch and recess' parts of it. And as I got older, the 'having choir every single day' part. This year, I love the 'sitting in class and learning and being in this environment'. I've never been so happy to be in school.

Outside of the whole school situation, it's like my life was a puzzle all nice and put together, and then someone took it, threw all the pieces up in the air, and they're all over the place now. Some are still up in the air, some have landed facedown, others are just gone. I moved back with my mom, whom I haven't lived with for two and a half years. It's a tiny, two-bedroom apartment with my 19-year-old sister and I in one room. Sticking two adults (legally speaking, and literally, one and an almost) in one small bedroom? Not a good idea.
My future is up in the air now, too, and I have honestly no idea what's going to happen. I'm trying to put my faith in God, but it's difficult. I don't like not knowing what's going to happen or what I'm going to do - ever. Thus, you can often find me planning in June my birthday party in January.
But whatever happens, I know it's the exact path I'm meant to go down. My number one wish in life is not extravagant. I simply want my children to have a better life than I did. A secure, happy life. As long as I reach that goal, I will be happy for the rest of my life.

When I started this blog, it was a means of documenting the twists and turns of my life, good and bad. Right now, I'm going through the bad. But I know undoubtedly that the good will come again, for it always does.

As I like to say, with love and the everlasting hope of a better tomorrow,
Ellie

Knock and He'll Answer!

Except, I haven't been knocking. I have been pounding, banging, and kicking. Pleading. All for a job. As I said in my last post, I need a job so I can save up money to live on campus.

On Thursday, my sister came over to print off a job application and a few hours later, she called me to let me know that she had an interview the next day. To say I was upset would be an understatement.
Why? Oh, maybe because she already HAS a job. I spoke aloud my displeasement and she replied that she was only working two days this week. That's more than I'm working, I replied.

My mom was hounding me because she said that I have to go out if I want a job. Pretty much all job applications are online nowadays, and I'd already applied to plenty of jobs. No to mention, I was filling out an application for a janitorial position at my church and at a local hardware store with the hours of 4-9am. I was that desperate for a job.
Sufficiently pissed that my mom was giving me such a hard time, I finally agreed to go around town with my sister the next day (Friday) to look for jobs.
To make a long story short....I GOT A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I really, truly got a JOB!! Thank you, God!
Immediately afterwards, I went out and got work shoes and socks.

But in all reality, I'm so afraid this isn't going to last. That they're going to change their minds and not hire me. I desperately need to keep this job. I don't care how pathetic I sound by saying that. Just please, God. Let this last.

On another note, I went to the orthopedist on Wednesday. He confirmed that my left leg is nearly one inch shorter than the other (just 0.545cm away). I now have a whole process I have to go through to try and alleviate the pain it causes on my knees, hips, and back. This process includes wearing shoe lifts. That makes me kind of sad.
Though, the doctor did mention something about muscle retraining, so hopefully there is some other way to correct it. Having Limb Length Discrepancy can also cause TMJ (which I do have), and I'm hoping that it will get better through the work I'm doing.

Enough prattling on. Again, thank you God!

Love, Ellie

Summer Boredom Blues

I am determined to do something this summer. Unfortunately for me, living in Arizona means whatever something I do, has to be done in an air-conditioned place.
So far, I've been passing the 16 hours I'm awake on the computer. I'm tired of just sitting around all day. I want to start working out, but that has to wait until I can find a nearby (affordable) gym.
I always start counting down the days until summer about 40 days out, always anxiously awaiting the last day. Then, during summer, I ask myself why. Why would I rather be sitting at home, doing nothing, than be at school with classes to fill my day?
My plan during the summer has always been to revamp my look and how I take care of myself, and that goal remains the same this summer. Hopefully I'll be getting a job soon: my number one goal of the summer is to get a whole new wardrobe for under 300 dollars.
That's my biggest concern: getting a job. I need to save up enough money to live on-campus. It would be so much nicer than having to commute every day.

Let's see if I can actually make this summer worth something.

Comfortable

If I ever wasn't anything, comfortable was it.
And I don't mean materialistically, either. Though, that did fit for a time.

What I mean is that from the time I was a child, it was instilled in me that the world is a dangerous place. I have my mother to thank for this, though she did it unintentionally. I know every mother wants to protect their child(ren), but my mother took it to the extreme.
My sister and I began staying at home by ourselves when we were just eight and nine years old. Don't gasp and recoil in horror. We didn't burn the place down or have a seance. We did almost kill each other nearly every day, but that's a different story.
What we didn't do was play with friends. Because my mother forbade us to leave the apartment. My sister and I weren't even allowed to cross the street to get the mail, or open the door to let our friends know why we couldn't come out.

When we were older (11-13 & 12-14), my mom, sister, and I lived in a little house with a huge backyard. There was nothing in this backyard, and the only way to get to it was to go out the front door, around to the side of the house, and through a gate.
Did I ever make that trip? Not hardly. Once again, my sister and I were forbidden to leave the house. Every single day for five summers was spent inside.
Later, when my mom granted my sister and I even more freedom, the fear had been installed in us that someone was going to kidnap us as we walked down the street. If I was walking to my friend's house, I had to text or call my mom as soon as I got there.
I was afraid of any approaching person or car. And when my friend and I would walk around at night, I nearly had a heart attack out of fear.
This also affected me at home. Being alone late at night would equal all lights being on, every door locked, and every door to a dark room tightly closed. And walking around in the dark? Forget about it.
I was terrified of my home, my surroundings. Terrified. Nobody should be that afraid of what's around them.

Then, suddenly, I wasn't anymore. Without even realizing it, I could walk home without being afraid that someone was going to snatch me up, or shoot me. Tonight, I walked through my house in the dark, cleaning up quietly to not disturb those sleeping. I'm still working on the whole 'being alone thing', but it's getting there.
My point is, though, that I am finally comfortable with where I am and being there alone. Because someone may be only a scream away, but until that scream comes, I'm alone. Yes, I may be walking down one of the busiest streets in town, but nobody knows who I am. Walking somewhere, being home, or up late at night, I'm alone.

Something I'm finally comfortable with.

P.S. I decided I won't be posting about my vacation on here. It's just too much to ever condense into words.

Summer

It's officially been summer for three weeks now, which is crazy. Leaving for vacation (posts on that later...maybe) the morning after school ended threw me for a loop. The almost two weeks I was gone didn't really seem like they took place in summer.
Unfortunately, the summer hasn't started (meaning once I got back from vacation) how I was planning. I applied to well over 15 locations for a job and I haven't gotten one single, "Hi, we'd like to interview you on...' email. Not one, which is very frustrating. I need a job so I can afford to live on campus next year.
Not to mention, I'm stressing because my counselor completely screwed up my schedule for next year. I had it all worked out with another counselor, who is incredibly nice and unfortunately not mine. Then, my counselor came in and messed it all up. She absolutely will not put me in a freshman level class because "it'll look funny". I don't care if it looks funny, a senior taking a freshman class. I know several people who have done it, including my friend who will be in there with me next year.
Anyway, I just really took a moment to think about it, and I complain a lot on here. I should try and write more positive entries.

Love, Ellie.

Squealing Pigs

Frustrated would be the number one way to describe how I felt today. It was one of those days when people made me feel like everything I said was utterly stupid, and I may have lost one of my favorite books. But that last part isn't important.

The main cause of my frustration - or should I say, main place - was choir. The week and a half or so before a concert is always stressful and a lot of people are on edge. I was really irritated, as I stated before, because the way people (well, mostly one person) were making me feel. To the point where choir was actually pretty unenjoyable today.

But then, I got over it. Even though I was really hurt, I still love those people with all my heart. And I love choir. I'm inifinitely grateful to be back, and I try to reflect that in all I say and do. It's really quite amazing, though. I am one to hold a grudge, unfortunately, and if someone hurts me, it takes me a while to get over it. Not with these people. Not with this person. I am a completely different person with them and I love it. We've all been changed by our experience in choir, and definitely for the better.

Music makes me happy. Inspires me to be a better person and do great things. Lead a great life. So do these people. I love them all too much to ever stay mad or frustrated at them.

Love, Ellie

P.S. The title is a song by Admiral Fallow. Go listen to it.

Fam Bam

I have always been a fan of the expression 'fam bam'. It rhymes and has to do with family. And it sounds more interesting than saying family. But I was curious as to what fam bam really meant, so I did what any logical person would do, and popped on over to urbandictionary.com. And I was told...
Fam Bam: Family Always Means Backing All Members.

Pretty nice definition, acronym, whatever you want to call it. That, however, got me thinking. Does fam bam have to mean family that is related to you?
I don't think so.

I think, just like family has been expanded to include people you love and can't live without, fam bam can be, too. My choir is my fam bam. None of us are related, yet we support each other with such ferocity. We protect each other and stand up for each other and we see each other more than we see most of our friends during the day. And, we have a home, too. A place to belong.

My family is my fam bam, too. We love each other, despite our grievances and short-comings and I look forward to every moment I get to spend with my family. There is nothing like being around people who have known you since you were three days old, people who share the same DNA, accents, and other similarities. There is something to be said for blood family, a connection that does not have to be made, but simply is.

Fam bam. Family Always Means Backing Any Member.

I love my fam bam.

Going Down a New Road

The past two days have been days of changing directions. Pain has come that I wish I could avoid, but I have to deal with my decisions. It's going to be difficult, but I'm determined to stay on this path I have created. The poem by Robert Frost comes to mind. I'd come to a fork in the road, and I chose the harder path, the road less taken. I can see the other path running nearly parallel to my new one, and there are some amazing moments on that path, the path of my past. Those are the moments I'm going to have to let go of, to not forget, but accept that those moments will not come again.

This new road is a road of moments I will never regret having. I have several people traveling this road with me: my two best friends in particular. This road is taking me towards maturing and experiencing the next chapter of life. That next chapter of life begins tonight, as I start my journey towards college through voice lessons. I am happy to be travelling down this new road and excited to see what comes.

I know that I'll have moments where I wish I could be back on my old path, when certain dates pass, or a memory is sparked. But that is not my path anymore. Perhaps one day, in the future, I will see these two paths meet in some ways. Positive ways only, though. The negativity of my old path will no longer affect me. I am a new person.

I am going down a new road.

New Layout

It dawned on me the other day that my blog was in need of a facelift. Well, in need of a color-lift is more like it. My previous backround was too dark and dreary, and with spring now here, I felt that when I (or anyone else) meander on over to my page, a nice, bright page ought to be the greeting. I hope you like it!

Love, Ellie

40 Days and Counting

It puzzles me that here I am, once again counting down the days until summer vacation. Time passes so quickly without even realizing it. But that's not what puzzles me. It's the fact that even though I'm looking forward to summer vacation and being a senior, I'm not looking forward to leave choir for three months or, with every event next year, thinking to myself, "This is the last time I'll do this." So why do I continue to count down the days until that comes? It's conflicting. I love family, I love summer, and freedom. But I love choir, too. It's my home away from home. We joke in my class that VE kids spend more time in the choir room than we do at home. It's nice, though, to be surrounded by like-minded people. I can't say that, when the time comes, I'll miss it, because I'll never be without it. Even when I go off to college, I'll be with people who are musically inclined like me, then I'll be a choir teacher and continue to be with those who think like I do. It's comforting, but I still do not look forward to the end of the school year. 39 days tomorrow.

I Want

A friend's photo inspired me to do this blog, so here I go. Hopefully in a few years, I'll be able to look back and see what I actually got.

What I want....

I want to spend less time doing pointless things and more time studying, reading, or spending time with friends.
I want to be more organized when it comes to school.
I want to make the most of the last year I have at school.
I want to graduate with a full ride to the college of my dreams.
I want to go to college, unafraid of what lies ahead.
I want to fulfill my hunger to know everything when it comes to music.
I want to walk away from college, diploma in hand and be sure of myself in what I'm doing.
I want to teach high school choir.
I want to be even just half the teacher my director is and I'll consider myself a success.

I want to find someone who takes an interest in me.
I want a man who is strong in his faith and will encourage me to be strong in mine.
I want a man who understands that I am perfectly comfortable lounging on the couch playing video games, but also comfortable dressed to the nines for the world premiere of a musical.
I want a man who will never make me question where I stand with him.
I want a man who believes that he is the head of the household, as I do, but also realizes that I am equally important.
I want a man who will stick around to be my children's father.
I want a man who isn't afraid to cry or show emotion.
I want a man who will understand me when words fail.
I want a man who knows that when I'm angry at him, I just want him to hug me and tell me he loves me.
I want a man who will never judge me and will always be by my side.

I want to grow in my relationship with God.
I want to read my Bible every day, and hopefully the whole way through in one year.
I want to see God in everything I do.
I want people to look at me and know undeniably that I am a follower of Christ.
I want a church that supports what I believe and where I feel like I belong.
I want to raise my children so that they can never deny that God exists.

I want to start eating healthy, working out, and treating my body the way it should be treated.
I want to be more confident in who I am and not care what others think.
I want to not be afraid to defend myself.
I want to be more eloquent.
I want a lifetime of music.
I want a lifetime of love.
I want to be everything God created me to be and have everything he created for me to have.
I want to live an amazing life.

I want, at the end of my life to say, "This is my life. I have found it worth living."

Ramblings

I don't know what I'm going to write about. I just feel like writing. I got my permit today. I'm so relieved I don't have to worry about it anymore. No more studying or wondering when I can go take the test again. I'm not going to pretend anymore. I'm going to be myself 100% and not worry about what anyone says. Why do some people get married fresh out of college and it lasts, while others are in their late 20's to early 30's and still unlucky in love? I don't know. I've got a lot of thoughts rolling through my head. I want some answers. I have questions I've kept in my head my whole life, and it's about time they came out. I look in the mirror and I don't even know all of who I am. I apparently look more like my father's side of the family, but how am I to know when I've never even met my father? I want to know if I've got his jaw, or his mom's nose, or if I'm the spitting image of a sister or cousin. I want to know where I came from. I'm just so tired of being half a person with half a family. I know that my father wasn't a good person, but he's still my father and part of who I am. There's an entire part of myself I may never know and I can't deal with that. I need to know. I need closure. I want to look in the mirror and see me. It's too hard, going through life like this. I can't even explain what I'm feeling right now, and writing is my strong suit. I just need to know.

Relationships

I just finished watching P.S. I Love You, sans tissues, and I found it to be quite an enjoyable movie. However, I didn't like the turn Holly Kennedy's life took when Jerry first died and when she began making shoes. She lost control of herself, and that is in no way appealing.
Lack of control was not what I didn't like most about the movie. What I disliked was the fact that with both Jerry and William Gallagher, Holly rushed headlong into being romantic with them. When she and Jerry kissed for the first time, she didn't even know his name! Then with William, Holly's not even a quarter drunk and she plants one on him. It seemed like Holly was a little desperate.
So I ask. Why do movies have to portray love like this? Two strangers meet on a train or at a bar (or in this case, on the road to Dun Laoghaire) and that night, they're sleeping together. This type of relationship is nearly always seen as working out perfectly, but in honest to goodness life, it doesn't. Relationships are built through getting to know someone, not rolling in the hay the first time you meet. In order for relationships to last, there has to be a good foundation.
Furthermore, when a guy and a girl meet, lust is too often mistaken for love. They sleep together, so that irreversible bond is there and the two just can't break up. The girl thinks she loves the guy because she's got his favorite cereal at her place and the guy thinks he loves the girl because she's got a drawer at his. That's not love.
Love is being friends first, and being willing to abstain from going any further because you want to get to know the person before you start dating them, not while you are. Love is taking it slow because love needs time to grow and develop as you spend more time with someone. Love is wanting to always be there for the person. Love is knowing everything about someone, not because you love them, but because you love them enough to care.

I know I won't see this kind of love in the movies any time soon because frankly, the greater population likes Holly's kind of love better. They're okay with kissing strangers and sleeping around, and casual (serial) dating. That makes me feel kind of sad, because I know that isn't true love.

My favorite part of P.S. I Love You? Watching the whole thing and only during the credits realizing Daniel was played by Harry Connick Jr.

Wishes

I wish I could be one of those girls who are always wearing the most stylish things and always look so amazingly put-together. The ones who are so into fashion and beauty and all that glamorous stuff.

But I can't. As much as I would like to.

Yearning- A Poem

I feel...like a bird in a cage.
It's a very lovely cage, but a cage nonetheless.

I look out, and see people

Who have what I will someday

I want those things

Here, now

I want what will be

To finally be

There's that whole spiel

About waiting and good things

I've waited a long

Time

I look at those

Who no longer

Have to wait

And I wonder

Are you appreciative of
All you have?

Or do you take for granted

What you've been blessed with?

Fly

I am a bird
Trapped here in my cage

Continually watching the world

Through the bars of my prison

The cage is lovely

As is the view

But my space grows smaller

With each and every day

The world I see

Stretched before me

Has so much to offer

I yearn, for just the smallest bit of freedom

My wings beat hopelessly

As I try to leave

Though it is for naught

And I settle to the bottom, defeated

I yearn for that day

When the door to my confines

Swings open and allows me a way out

Still, I will cautiously approach

Afraid of a cruel trick

And a slamming door

Just as I begin to spread my wings

Just as I begin to fly

Nothing Much

Right now, this entry has no purpose. But watch, and by the end, it will. It just happens that way.
Rehearsals for a play I'm in are starting up soon, so much of my time will be eaten up by that, and hopefully voice lessons. I've got exactly 10 months before I have to submit vocal auditions to the college I want to attend and that's kind of scary. I only get two tries to audition and it would be fantastic if I got in on the first try, like my director before me. But I have no idea what I want to sing or anything. There are some guidelines, though, as to the style.

The other day I was told by a fellow choir-member that another choir-member had called me a kiss-a** because I'm always talking with our director. Always puts it a bit on the heavy side, but I will say that she (meaning our director) and I do talk. She has helped me with problems before and sometimes we talk just to talk, like anyone does.
In my second hour, I spoke to another girl in Vocal Ensemble who was around the girl who called me a kiss-up when it happened. The following 'conversation' ensued.

Me: You know, it hurts me that the girls in VE think it's okay to talk crap about me. I never talk crap about anyone in VE.
Her: Who? They just think you're too involved.
Me: (Girl's name). But even last year, when everyone hated me. I still tried to be nice. And what do you mean?
Her: Because you always have ideas and you're always talking to (our director's name) and you always want to coordinate or do everything for VE.
Me: I can understand how someone can think I'm being a kiss-up (<--- that was a total lie, I don't understand). But I talk to her because she gives good advice. And everything I do is for you guys. That Xmas party? I worked on that party for well over 20 collective hours. And I find it funny, that coming from a girl who said I worked hard to include everyone.
Her: Yeah, that makes sense. It's just, I think people are jealous because they can't do what you do for us. I know I kind of am.
Me: Jealous? What?
Her: Yes, because you always have a cool idea, you always have the means to do something for us, you always have something to give, and you never want anything back.
Me: That's just me. And it's somewhat circumstance. But I'm just that type of person. I put others before me. If I can make you happy, that makes me happy.
Her: Yeah, I understand. To be honest, I used to talk about you and it gets less and less. I really don't anymore because I've accepted you.
Me: Well....thanks. But this isn't something to change about me. It's not like how you said I was stuck up last year. Selflessness isn't something to apologize for. You think maybe if I delegated in my ideas?
Her: Yeah, I think that would help with the jealousy issue, and you have to consider our ideas and add a couple, because when I tried to help you with the "Baby It's Cold Outside" dance, you didn't use any of my ideas.
Me: And I apologize for that. That's something I struggle with. Letting people help me or asking for help.
Her: Yeah, it's noticeable. I can help you with that if you want.
Me: Okay.

The fact that she said she "accepted" me really upset me because I know people who I don't accept their way of life or how they act, but I'm still kind and I don't talk down about them. And I find it ironic that the girl who called me a kiss-up was putting me down as I was in, talking to our director about an idea I had that would positively lift-up and encourage everyone in choir. After my friend told me I ought to delegate more, I talked with our director again that afternoon about how I could involve the girls in VE and she gave me a few ideas that were really good.

I just find it frustrating, though. Last year, everyone hated me because they thought I was weird because I was quiet and according to some, I acted stuck up. It was suggested to me that they thought I was stuck up because I didn't interact much with them. I didn't interact, not because I'm stuck up, but because I was shy and introverted. And awkward would be a good word, too. I didn't know where I fit in. Now, I talk more, I engage and interact, and do things for the girls in VE and they don't like me because of it. Is there no middle ground?!
Again, a very wise person told me that perhaps it is because they are skeptical. "There aren't many people like that in the world today," she said, and talked about how when somebody does something nice for someone else, that person's first reaction tends to be, "What's their ulterior motive?" And how you can say that you're doing it because you care and their reaction will still be, "But why?"
That's really hard to deal with. I forget who, but I heard someone say once that people tend to do nice things only because they're thinking of what they'll get out of it. In no way am I trying to put myself up on a pedestal, but that is not me. I do for others and expect nothing in return. Their happiness is enough. As I told my friend, everything I do for them is purely for them. I have no ulterior motive other than that I care. And some of it just happens to be things I like to do, like bake. On Monday, I'm going to bring a batch of cookies in for everyone just because I feel like baking. You know, I think that sums me up pretty well. I care. Like last year, when everyone thought I was weird because I didn't talk? I listened. I listened to what people said and took it in. My best friend told me it's strange the things I can remember, but that's because I care enough to do so.

Hopefully, when I go on to teach choir myself, my students will be more open and receptive to acts of kindness, not only from me, but from each other.