Tinged

I have to admit that lately, I'm really struggling with being happy. I'm not in any sort of deep, depressed state, but it seems as though everything is tinged with sadness. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I do not take failure lightly. I don't like to fail (not that anyone does) and I take it very personally when I do. I will beat myself up for months for a bad grade, or a mistake on a project.

So it doesn't help that this week has been laced with failure and its immanency. I didn't make the deadline for the music school I wanted to apply to, and my heart has now settled into my stomach for the foreseeable future. I tell myself almost daily, 'You should have never joined that show (The Yellow Boat). If you hadn't, you'd have finished on time.'

There are other deadlines I'm struggling to meet, and once again, it feels like everything is falling through the cracks. I'm trying to keep it all together with a smile and hope, but both of those are slowly failing.

I want to be happy. Is that too much to ask?